tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204401162024-03-14T04:36:45.687-04:00Moe, for better or worseThis blog used to be called "one year in the life of a short fat runner"; then it was called "Am I a runner? you decide." I've decided running isn't the thing I need to talk about here...it'll come up for sure, but it's just one part of me, so I think I'll just call this blog: Moe, for better or worse.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-65687869840205749252009-03-30T08:35:00.003-04:002009-03-30T09:23:12.318-04:00But is it fun? reduxMany months ago, <a href="http://shortfatrunner.blogspot.com/2008/08/but-is-is-fun.html">I posted a conversation </a>I had with my coach. His question to me was, <em>how often, when you run, is it fun?</em> At the time, my answer was long and complicated but it boiled down to, not often. <br /><br />I think he needs to ask me again.<br /><br />Last Sunday, I ran 12 miles. 6 times around my loop in the cemetery. 12 miles, no matter how you think about it, is a long way to run. It's intimidating. It takes a long time. If I were to drive 12 miles from my house north, south or west...I'd have gone through at least 3 towns. If I were to go 12 miles east...I'd be in Boston Harbor. It's far.<br /><br />Yet...I had a great run. Really great. I kept my pace slow and easy, and was well fueled and mentally prepared. I took a gel fairly early and it was perfect timing. The first 4 miles were good...the next couple even better. I felt terrific at mile 10. The weather was good for me, cool, a little cloudy, with a bit of a wind but it died down. A friend had mentioned to me a quote from Dickinson, <em>a certain slant of light, on winter afternoons</em>, which I had in my head as the sun fell lower in the sky. (In truth, the poem is dark and forboding but out of context, the quote worked in my favor.) My mind wandered a bit and I created haiku in my head to pass the time. I counted out the sylables on my fingers when I got stuck. The best was:<br /><br /><em>o! the golden sun<br />low in the eleventh mile<br />thank you my dear friend</em><br /><br />the variation was:<br /><em><br />o! the golden sun<br />low in the eleventh mile<br />brings with it flurries</em><br /><br />as it started to snow briefly near the end of my run.<br /><br />This week, I did speedwork. It's hard. I have to run back and forth in the flattest part of the cemetery, so I'm not killing myself trying to run fast uphill. I was mostly successful, only slowing to recover early in one interval. I felt pretty good and ran over 4 miles including the interval work. <br /><br />On Saturday, I ran a 5K with a college friend. Coach wanted me to race it, but I'd decided I would run with Aida at least for a while. I wasn't going to run it with any time goal. I would just run it.<br /><br />Aida and I started together but she needed to keep a slower pace and was content to have me run my own race...so I ran faster than her but comfortably. Remarkably, I turned on my stopwatch at the start. The course was flat and easy but congested with general pedestrians and cyclists using the same path; it was a very small race. We ran out and back along the same route. At the turn around, I glanced at my watch, after passing a couple with a double stroller who couldn't seem to get themselves out of my way...<em>15:48</em>.<br /><br /><strong>15:48</strong> <br /><br />No way. No freaking way.<br /><br />That would bring me in under 32 mins. My PR was 32:42...I could break my PR, just set in December. I didn't need to...I would be ok if I didn't...but it was in my grasp. <br /><br />I stayed focused. I knew what landmarks I was looking for: the tempory walkway over the water where there was construction, and then the footbridge over Storrow Drive. I didn't check my watch again, but once, and then only to determine about how much farther I needed to go. Finally, I was running on Bay State Rd...there was a man ahead of me who'd been taking walk breaks...but kept passing me when he ran. He was ahead of me. I could see the time clock: 31:35, 31:36, 31:37...I wasn't going to let him beat me and I was going to finish in under 32 mins.<br /><br />I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. I ran with all my training and miles and support of my family and friends and coach behind me....<br /><br /><em>31:55.</em><br /><br /><strong>31:55.</strong> <br /><br />I'd done it.<br /><br />I remembered to stop my watch...<em>31:40</em>. Even better.<br /><br />I texted my coach. He told me I'd run <10:15s. I was thrilled. In less than a year, I'd taken 3+ mins off my 5K time and I didn't kill myself to do it. I ran a good race and did my best that day. The best I could do <em>that </em>day, which turned out to be my best so far.<br /><br /><br /><br />So, Coach, ask me again: <em>is it fun?</em><br /><br /><br />Yes, it is. Most of the time, now, yes, it is.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-22667829935060298812009-03-22T15:36:00.002-04:002009-03-22T15:43:29.754-04:0012 milesI haven't posted in a while. Sometimes I don't know what to write and sometimes I don't want to and sometimes, I don't want to share things. Lately, it's been the latter. <br /><br />However, I<em> have </em>been running. A lot. 20+ miles weeks, longer midweek runs, longer long runs, more time, more distance, lots of races. I've PRed my 5K and my 10K in the last 3 months and even ran my second best 5K time after running 6 miles just before the race. I feel good, I've lost a few pounds, I will go so far as to say, I think I look good.<br /><br />I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple months, and I've made some changes in the way I think and act and I'm feeling better for them. I still need a lot of work.<br /><br />I'm surrounding myself with people who mean the most to me, and making sure those I've known the longest get a little extra of my time. They've been here for me for years, some of them decades, I can return the favor.<br /><br />I am running 12 miles today. <em>12 miles</em>. This is the longest I've ever run in training and I am nervous. But I know my friends are behind me. One wished me luck as she got on her train to go home this afternoon and another told me he was running 4 in spirit with me. My coach is waiting to hear how it goes. <br /><br />I'd better get going...I don't want to disappoint them.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-11343255497918748962009-03-03T12:40:00.000-05:002009-03-03T12:40:45.921-05:00LIFE SAVING SUIT c 1931I came across this today at work.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.google.com/patents?id=16pMAAAAEBAJ&zoom=4&pg=PA1&ci=135,223,340,587&source=bookclip">LIFE SAVING SUIT Sferrazza</a>: "<a href="http://www.google.com/patents?id=16pMAAAAEBAJ&zoom=4&pg=PA1&ci=135,223,340,587&source=bookclip"><img src="http://www.google.com/patents?id=16pMAAAAEBAJ&pg=PA1&img=1&zoom=4&hl=en&sig=ACfU3U2KdLSBSS7YCcA7uZOK1rXxA4nA4g&ci=135%2C223%2C340%2C587&edge=1" border="0" alt="July "></a>"<br /><br />reeeeeeeally makes you wonder what kinda drugs weren't illegal then.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-14493737389881237402009-01-31T09:22:00.001-05:002009-01-31T09:22:57.155-05:00Keep it cool....<object width="512" height="296"><param name="movie" value="http://www.hulu.com/embed/H1izqx2am8QaRAaRiVZ02A"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.hulu.com/embed/H1izqx2am8QaRAaRiVZ02A" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowFullScreen="true" width="512" height="296"></embed></object>librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-9582437319195496272009-01-24T12:34:00.004-05:002009-01-25T21:34:23.010-05:00The Urban Obstactle Course, or Where the Sidewalk EndsRunning in the city in winter is challenging.<br /><br />For every person who shovels their side walk, there is another who only shovels half (generally from their door to their driveway or car) and yet another who doesn't shovel at all.<br /><br />Sometimes there is a side walk...and then it disappears under snow, or ice, or some combo of the two. And when it's snow, it can be a giant bank of the white stuff that the plow left or a car owner dumped when digging out their car. <br /><br />Those big snow banks need to be climbed over. Or skirted, like the ice that forms in lots of places, on the side walks <em>and</em> on the street.<br /><br />They also block drivers' view and runners' view and need to passed with caution. Dayglo yellow is imperative.<br /><br />Trash day adds a new element of this obstacle course...what side walk there is, is often blocked by trash and recycling bins, as well as whatever else has been left for the garbage men, including but hardly limited to furniture, television sets (which subsequently sit around because the city won't take them in trash), building materials and tree branches. <br /><br />Running is fun and challenging and hard even on a good day...but the Urban Obstacle Course makes it all the more so. <br /><br />I like a challenge, bring it on!librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-38176989190533176622009-01-22T16:48:00.004-05:002009-01-22T18:36:39.913-05:00fasten your seat belts...<em>it's going to be a bumpy night. </em> <br /><br />so famously said Bette Davis in All About Eve.<br /><br />In 3 short weeks life's been bumpy. <br /><br />My mom got the bad news that the cancer is back again. Onto another drug regime that will hopefully work for a while...time will tell.<br /><br />My running has faltered. Not fallen off, but faltered. A wicked cold snap, a bit of a busy spell, snow and ice, and some general malaise has meant I've let my running go a bit. I have some goal races but I'm floating a bit in some unscheduled time and lacking in some motivation. All is not lost however...for as much as I feel I've not been running at all...the reality is I've gotten in at least 2-3 runs a weeks consistently, even if they are short. Overall...it could be much worse. <br /><br />I'm not worried yet.<br /><br />Work is fine but I'm saddened to hear a colleague is ill. It will affect my day to day work, but this isn't a problem for me. I'm just hoping very much she'll pull through and stays strong. <br /><br /><em>Have I mentioned how much I hate cancer? I know...one track record. Sue me.</em> <br /><br />Roberto and I had a great weekend in Baltimore visiting friends. THAT was just what we needed. I actually felt relaxed when we got home, if not the least bit rested. Too many late nights...but all in fun.<br /><br />We have a new president, and I am hopeful he can make some changes...if only because the American population seems to be behind him. He's just one man, but he is inspiring many and THAT is how change can happen.<br /><br />I'm feeling a need to lay low and hide a little bit right now because I'm a bit raw and fragile, and those traits are what got me feeling like this in the first place. <br /><br />Not even a month in and already bumpy.<br /><br />I can deal with bumpy. <br /><br />I run a lot of hills...for every down, there's an up.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-22870615792210277682009-01-12T12:56:00.003-05:002009-01-12T13:22:20.272-05:00Starting off the new year with a bang....I can't believe it's 2009. How did this happen? <br /><br />I was born in the '60s. The <strong>'60</strong>s! Now it's almost the 20-tens?<br /><br />This year could hold a lot of promise for me but it, quite literally, started off with a bang. Or at least a bump.<br /><br />On New Year's Eve, driving home from work in the early afternoon, I got into a car accident. We were in the middle of a snow storm, and while I was driving cautiously and carefully, my tires just could not get traction when the SUV in front of me slowed to a stop unexpectedly. It was weather related and no one was hurt, but our car needs fairly extensive repairs and will be in the shop for another week at least.<br /><br />Some have pointed out to me that this was the <em>last</em> thing of note to happen to me in <em>2008</em>, rather than the <em>first</em> thing to happen to me in <em>2009</em>, but it's left me feeling unsettled and shaken beyond the mere accident. <br /><br />Is this how 2009 will be? I've had some very good and very bad moments in the last fews years, and at this point, I could really use an uneventful one for a change. <br /><br />The big 4-0 is no longer approaching, but here...so I don't have to worry about it anymore. (that's like asking the sun not to burn but one can hope, yes?)<br /><br />My mother's health is stable at the moment. That could change any day...but right now...stable. And she feels better than she has in a long time. That is the biggest blessing of all for her.<br /><br />I'm still running, and better than I've ever run before. It's easier and more inherent for me now...and best of all, more fun. I have a good coach, but this year, I hope I can ask less of him and draw more strength internally. (That, too, might be like asking the sun not to burn...but I am trying to learn a little more self motivation, self reliance and inner strength.)<br /><br />I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right things and where I can make changes. I'm probably a little old for some of this reflection and self discovery, but it's never too late to learn and grow...and given that I am very worried about how long I will be healthy and here at all, I need to do all I can now to be a better person to myself and everyone around me.<br /><br />2008 was definitely a year of changes for me. I've made a lot of new friends who are dear to me and lost a friend or two along the way. Some have drifted more recently for reasons I don't understand and this is very upsetting to me but I'm trying to just move on; I don't think I've done any egregious to make this happen, so time will tell if they will come back to me. I've become close again with my sister which is wonderful. I've had to work hard on my marriage last year and will need to do more work around that this year.<br /><br />So will 2009 be the year that started with a crash...or the year that started clean of past accidents, stupid mistakes and slip ups? I don't know yet...ask me in a year.<br /><br />in the meantime, I'll try to keep you posted on how it's looking.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-23574768018554146322009-01-06T23:13:00.003-05:002009-01-06T23:15:10.797-05:00First post of 2009<a href="http://i43.tinypic.com/2mpwoxh.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 160px; height: 120px;" src="http://i43.tinypic.com/2mpwoxh.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />I just love this cat...I think it needs to start off my 2009 blog, if only because it makes me laugh every single time I watch it.<br /><br />I apologize up front to those of you who are not amused.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-23741400955658162462008-11-19T19:48:00.003-05:002008-11-19T20:44:02.428-05:00Long and winding road...it's been a long long time since I've posted anything. Seems when I'm feeling good, I don't need to write as much. Go figure.<br /><br />However, I've been remiss in posting for a while, given what I've been up to. <br /><br />I've been training for the Philadelphia Half Marathon. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before. What I haven't mentioned, since it happened weeks after my last post is I failed to register before it sold out.<br /><br />It was a very sad day. Quite literally, I cried at my desk. In my cubicle...but that's a story for another time.<br /><br />My friends, however, rallied around me, offering suggestions, help, advice and finally a possible loop hole...and off I went at 9pm on October 14 to the central postal facility and mailed in my registration. I also contacted a couple of charities...and was accepted by <a href="http://www.backonmyfeet.org">Back on My Feet</a>! the same organization that help the Midnight Madness Run this summer.<br /><br />Well, as it happened, my mailed registration was processed, but I decided to continue to be a <a href="http://www.active.com/donate/raceforbackonmyfeet/mefesta">fundraiser for BOMF</a>.<br /><br />Times are tough for everyone but people have been amazingly generous. People I've never met have donated great sums of money to me. I can't thank them enough.<br /><br />I've worked really hard to train for this race. Harder than I've ever trained before. I've missed very few runs, and none of my long runs. I've stuck to my plan and seen progress. I've actually gotten a little faster. I've actually lost myself on my runs. I ran 9 miles without even stopping for water and 11.5 without walking. My, how times have changed.<br /><br />Last year I ran Philly for my mom...this year I'm running for <em>me</em>.<br /><br />I told my coach today that I'll probably need a pep talk on Saturday night. I am nervous. I'm worried that my training hasn't really prepared me for the race, or I'll just screw up somehow and fail myself. I really hope not. <br /><br />Someone asked me this week if I have a goal time...I don't. I know when I should come in approximately, based on how I've been running. But all I care about is running a good race and feeling good at the end.<br /><br />I know I'm going to cry at the finish line. <br /><br />I'll probably cry at the start too.<br /><br />won't be the first time.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-64176514597495487712008-10-05T10:25:00.001-04:002008-10-05T14:23:02.534-04:00I give up...I can't take it anymore.<br /><br /><br />I just turned the heat on.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-3032961786472788572008-10-05T09:38:00.002-04:002008-10-05T10:11:35.179-04:00On trainingI am running the Philadelphia Half Marathon in November, right before Thanksgiving.<br /><br />I have started my training for this event and due to circumstances...I've already missed a run. My concussion meant I couldn't run the beginning of the week, so I missed 4 on Tuesday. I walked that far instead and did get in a 2.5 (scheduled 2) on Thursday. I have 7 on my schedule today, which, at the moment, I couldn't feel less like doing.<br /><br />Because I'm not interested in running them right now, I'm not going to run an out and back or full loop. Most people <em>would</em> do that because it would force them to complete the distance. I am contrary in so many ways to the norm when it comes to running and this is one of those times. Instead, I will run shorter loops in the cemetery to complete my 7. I find comfort in knowing home is just a half mile away and also, running the same loop over and over makes it mindless for me. I just have to run...I don't have to think about what's coming up next. <br /><br />Have I mentioned I don't like change? I don't like change...it manifests itself in so many ways in my life and this is just another example. People tell me all the time, when running is getting to be a chore, change it up, do a different route, etc...for me, I'd rather run the same route every time, knowing exactly where the hills are, what I will see, what to expect. I also tend to listen to the same playlist for months on end...I'll even repeat songs multiple times if I like them and they are fitting my mood. <br /><br />So running a loop multiple times is a good option today. Don't get me wrong, I don't intend to run anything 23 times...but I will run over to the cemetery, then run my usual 2 miles then work my way back to run my 1 mile loop and then after 4 or 5 times around, work my way home. It'll be perfect.<br /><br />I take comfort in patterns and routines and this will help today since I am in no mood to run anything right now. But run I will.<br /><br />I will post my new training schedule once my coach confirms a couple of changes I've made to it. I added a short run to the schedule...he had be running just 3 runs a week ("quality runs") but I felt better training for RTB than I have at any other time and I suspect running 5-6 times a week really helped keep my legs loose. Once he gets back to me, I'll post it here. That'll keep me honest. ;)librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-89106046098403341382008-10-04T07:39:00.000-04:002008-10-05T09:37:08.973-04:00it's been a whileand so much has happened. Nothing earth shattering I guess, but big things in my life.<br /><br />RTB was amazing. Hard, funny, fun, scary, challenging, inspiring, embarrassing...I would do it again in a minute. <br /><br />Work, well, work has changed. I've alluded to issues there. There is now resolution on that front, but not before I had to fire someone. Let me tell you, that was not a fun day. I've also been demoted, sort of. I wanted it this way, and I now report a colleague I like, trust and think is the right person for me to work with, but it's still hard to give up the responsibility I was given. I do feel like I've failed even if I requested this change. I move out of my office on Monday.<br /><br />The biggest news is that my mother's cancer appears to have disappeared. Yes, this is good news. Of course it is. But I am not putting all my eggs in the hope basket yet. We found this out recently when my mother had her scans done after she got out of the hospital because of the horrific reaction to had to the chemo she was on. Her doc wanted to get her into another, a different clinical trial, and they ran her scans to get her baseline for the study. He called her a few days later to let her know they declined her for the study...because there was no evidence of cancer on her scans. We're all shocked. We don't know what to think. More waiting and watching...and in the meantime she is still on the horrific chemo that made her so sick, but in a different dosage. <br /><br />Roberto did well at Open Studios last weekend, even if the weather was rainy and dreary. He always does well so I wasn't surprised.<br /><br />Two weeks ago, I tripped while running and skinned my knuckles and my knee pretty badly. They're still healing.<br /><br />Last week, I went to enter our cellar, through our half-sized exterior cellar door, and banged my head so badly, I caused myself a minor concussion. I ended up getting a CT scan on Monday (all clear) and took two days off work (first time I've ever called in sick at my new job.)<br /><br />Fall's off to an interesting start.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-39962323583195200982008-09-11T06:01:00.005-04:002008-09-11T11:45:22.517-04:00Reaching the Beach!Months of training, hard work, sweat, a few tears...all for this weekend. <a href="http://www.rtbrelay.com">Reach the Beach. </a> 200 miles of scenic...hilarity? van driving and nudity? torture? All of the above, methinks. (OK, maybe not torture...just a little pain and exhaustion.) My teammates, KiChsters Uno and KiChsters Dos, by and large, are heading into this knowing they'll run for fun, and the miles will just come to their legs, because this isn't a goal race for them...this is a weekend adventure. This isn't the case for me (and a few others I'm certain); I've worked hard to get the miles on my legs to prepare me for this event. I've skipped very few runs in the last few months, added mileage every week and focused on the goal of doing RTB without injuring myself, and more importantly do it feeling confident that I can run my legs (3, 13, and 23; 3.8, 3.8, 6.2 miles respectively) without completely falling apart (<a href="http://shortfatrunner.blogspot.com/2008/05/struggling.html">a la Madison</a>.) Unfortunately I've got some work things on my mind that I hope I can push aside and forget about this weekend. There is nothing I can do about them at this point, and when the dust settles next week, I will post the outcome. <br /><br />In the meantime, I'll be keeping my thoughts on the road ahead of me.<br /><br />Literally!<br /><br />Look out New Hampshire, here we come!!!<br /><br />(a little shout out to my coach Glenn...thanks for your support and advice!!!)<br /><br />(additional shout out to Rob for being cool about the time I've put into my training and everything that goes along with it. thanks hon.)librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-65099601140368378652008-09-05T13:54:00.003-04:002008-09-05T14:00:54.097-04:00On a lighter noteI love <a href="http://www.hersheys.com/products/details/extradark/index.asp?name=Cranberries%2C+Blueberries%2C+Almonds">Hershey's All Natural Extra Dark Chocolate with Cranberries, Blueberries & Almonds.</a> Have you tried this?? This is some good stuff. Nevermind that it's reasonably good for you...it's just damn good. <br /><br />I bought a bar today for work...I like to have something in my desk so I don't resort to something from the machine. 2 squares of this is way better (both in taste and calories) than a Milky Way. (Unusually, I have actually eaten just half a Milky Way before and put the rest away for another time, but that is not the norm, I assure you.)<br /><br />I also have a banana with me. And if I'm very hungry, I may eat it with the peanut butter I also keep on hand.<br /><br />Apparently, should there be an emergency situation, I have enough rations for a couple of days anyway.<br /><br />Good to know.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-35695985436575060862008-09-02T09:00:00.003-04:002008-09-02T09:41:49.692-04:00Good and bad<a href="http://www.foresthillstrust.org/path/path_art/cunningham.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px;" src="http://www.foresthillstrust.org/path/path_art/cunningham.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />One thing I <em>don't</em> generally get from running is relief from stress. I know many people go out to run to let go of tension and anxiety and come back feeling better. I know my better health and exercise in general help me, but the <em>act </em>of running does not. I suppose it's just too hard and I have to think about it too much. (Swimming, on the other hand, is completely cathartic. It's rhythmic and soothing and quiet...it's like meditating in water...I'm sure many of my friends who argue that point, however.)<br /><br />I had lots of miles on my schedule this weekend. I switched my Thursay run to Friday, so I ended up running 4 days in a row, 16 miles total, including my long run of 7 (2/7/4/3). This was a lot of miles for me. I almost never run more than 2 in a row, either, so that was a challenge as well.<br /><br />My long runs haven't been great, but I'm getting through them. It's all I can say about them really. Well, no, each week, the long run is getting better at least, that's something positive. I had to run 4 on Sunday, after my LR of 7 on Saturday. Rob was away for the weekend and while I should have gone earlier just because I went when I finally felt like going, around 11:15 in the morning. While not the most ideal time to run, it is a time I like to run, so all the better. (Plus it is approximately the time I will be running my first leg at RTB.) I started out and ran the first mile or so. I stopped to stretch...and ran another mile and a half. <br /><br />And then stopped.<br /><br />Completely.<br /><br />I just couldn't do it. I was lightheaded and exhausted and just plain done. <br /><br />I was a half mile from running a 20 mile week (my first ever) and only a mile and a half from completing my week's scheduled miles.<br /><br />But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. My feet wouldn't move another step. I was a broken spirit. <br /><br />I sat down on the edge of a monument, in the shade and cried. No one notices you when you cry in a cemetery. A car passed me slowly but didn't stop...I assume they assumed I was mourning. I was, in a way, I guess. Mourning, or at least anticipating the loss of my mother, mourning my own lost youth, mourning for friends and loved ones I've lost, whether to death, or just circumstance. <br /><br />But I was also pissed off. I wasn't going to make this goal...this really BIG goal because I couldn't run another half mile? Was I really so weak?<br /><br />I stopped crying. I got up. I walked a little, up a hill, so when I started running again, I'd at least have gravity at my side. I ran that stupid half mile, and it felt ok...so I ran some more. I ran another half mile, and <em>it</em> felt ok, so I ran the last half mile, in the cemetery. I felt better knowing I'd done it.<br /><br />Yesterday, I had to run 3. I was tired. I didn't run in the morning when it was cooler and kept putting off going. I didn't expect much from this run, since I was so worn out emotionally as well as physically. I didn't care if I walked but I wanted to get through the distance running most of it.<br /><br />I ran the first two with only a break to stretch. My calves were incredibly tight. Sometimes stretching helps, although not always or even usually...but I didn't think I could run anymore with how they felt, so I tried. At 2 miles, I stopped to walk, for a long time, like 5 mins, because my calves were still as tight as guitar strings. The walk helped. I ran the last mile straight through.<br /><br />I really thought this run was going to be awful. I didn't think I'd ever get through it when I headed out. I really thought I'd end up walking most of it, merely because I was so tired. And yet...it was a nice run. So, my calves hurt. So, I was tired, and it was hotter than I'd have liked. It didn't seem to matter. I ran fast in parts...even on uphills. I felt like I ran well, too and kept going after I told myself it was ok to stop. <br /><br />I did have a moment though...and maybe this is what did it.<br /><br />In the cemetery, there are comtemporary sculptures, part of the Scuplture Walk. One is called <a href="http://www.foresthillstrust.org/path/cunningham.html">The Sentinel</a>. I run by her most days, and I've always liked her. I even went to the unveiling of the bronze cast the artist, Fern Cunningham, did when it became a permanent piece at the cemetery. I talked to the artist's father then and was pleased I could tell him how much I loved it.<br /><br />At any rate, I ran by her yesterday, coming from the opposite direction than I usually do. And for some reason...I stopped in my tracks. I had to touch her. I wanted to hold onto her, but instead, laid my hand on her knee and cried for a moment. <br /><br />In the artist's statement, she says: "Her mission is to observe all the transpires. She is the wise old woman of Africa, the Sentinel."<br /><br />I guess the wise old woman was a comfort to me yesterday and provided me some strength. I will go to her again when I need it.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-50177460345169757912008-08-31T09:15:00.002-04:002008-08-31T09:39:18.971-04:00I think...I'd like to be 10 again.<br /><br />Would that work for everyone?<br /><br />Because I'm sorta tired of being an adult and all that comes with it.<br /><br />And it's not gonna get any easier from now on, is it?<br /><br />just harder. Much much harder.<br /><br />I'm just so <em>tired</em>.<br /><br />My mom's in the hospital again. She's had a bad reaction to her latest chemo and they're trying to get fluids in her and get her stabilized. She'll be ok (as ok as she will ever be now, since she lives with cancer 24/7 for the rest of her life) and she'll go home on Monday. Later this week, she'll go see her oncologist and they'll change her chemo to something else and she'll do ok for a while or she won't, and then they'll try something else. <br /><br />She's been sick for days, she's lost more weight, she's suffering humiliations and indignities and pain no one should have to face, all in the name of a "cure", which is just a cruel joke, since she'll never be cured. She'll just be kept alive until there's nothing else they can do and then, finally, the cancer will win.<br /><br />It's going to win anyway.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-40145959465577501042008-08-28T13:30:00.005-04:002008-08-28T13:46:04.127-04:00Addendum to must.stop.worrying: Margaret the seagullMy grandmother, Margaret, loved the ocean and the beach. My mother and I take after her in that respect. My grandmother had leg and back issues her whole life and once told me when she died, she wanted to come back as a seagull (please disregard the issue of my devoutly Catholic Gramma believing in reincarnation...she was Irish...they've got their own thing going on). Her desire to return as a seabird was threefold:<br /><br />1) she could fly...she would be free of the limitations of her gimpy legs and troubled back<br /><br />2) she could spend all day, every day at the beach<br /><br />and <br /><br />3) she could poop on people she didn't like.<br /><br />ah yes. Gramma was a character.<br /><br /><br />Gramma died about 5 years ago. I was very sad to lose her but she had lived a long time, nearly 93 years, and it was her time to leave this earth.<br /><br />Except I'm pretty sure she's still earthbound. Well, airbound anyway. <br /><br />Whenever I am stressed or distraught or anxious...a solitary gull wanders into my view. <br /><br />Yes, I know I live near the ocean and there are gulls everywhere.<br /><br />But when I NEED someone...I look up, and there she is...or what I believe is her...and I feel lightened of my burden.<br /><br /><br />Just a moment ago, I looked into the sidelight of my office door, and saw the view in my window behind me reflected there.<br /><br />A gull was sitting on the roof of the building across the street looking towards me.<br /><br />thanks, Gram, for checking in on me.<br /><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=090.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/090.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-15673415543228201652008-08-28T06:18:00.006-04:002008-08-28T10:02:54.845-04:00must.stop.worryingHave I mentioned I'm a worrier? Dear readers, those of you who know me better than the words on this page know that to say I am a worrier is a grave misrepresentation. "Worrier" doesn't come <em>close</em> to accurately representing my personal occupation...but for lack of a better term to descibe my incessant and unenviably busy head, it will have to suffice.<br /><br />I worry about everything. Things I can help and things I can't. Things I've said and things I haven't. I worry constantly about the people in my life...but I also worry about <em>stuff</em>. For example, I worry I'm going to lose my engagement ring when I'm driving with my arm out the window and it will be irretrievably lost. That kind of worry...eg crazy thoughts.<br /><br />I'm particularly worried about the plans for my upcoming race. I don't seem to know a lot of them, about where to be and when, and what's on the agenda. This is making me very uncomfortable.<br /><br />Last night I was chatting with a friend and he told me, "you've got to trust people, and not worry about things so much... I understand you're getting stressed, but panicking about the details doesn't un-stress everyone else involved."<br /><br />He couldn't be more right (although he is a bit of a pot calling this kettle <em>noire</em>) and I'm trying to take some deep breaths and shake off some of tension in my shoulders. I recognize that worrying is a wasted use of energy...but it's also a very difficult habit to break. <br /><br />I worry that I worry too much. Good grief.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-47162036671303281292008-08-26T12:30:00.005-04:002008-08-26T16:51:49.861-04:00Tummy trouble and other issuesSo, I've been stressing out a bit about my upcoming relay, Reach the Beach. <br /><br />1) I'm not really ready to run as much or as often as I have to for it. Bill, my team captain, did me a favor and ended up giving me 3 easy legs of just 13.8 miles total. He says it's just how it worked out, but I was still happy for it. <br /><br />2) as stated before, I'm worried about others' expectations. I know I will walk some of the course...even if I *think* I can get through the first 2 legs of 3.8 miles each...I tend to doubt I will. <br /><br />3) I've been having a whole lot of tummy troubles lately. Nausea in the heat, and other issues just generally. My coach is concerned there's something more to it, but I remembered that when I trained for the Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk (60 miles in 3 days...that's serious training, trust me), the same issues came up for me. I went through a battery of unpleasant and marginally humiliatiing tests then and they found nothing. I've called my GP and will go in to see her this week, but I just want her to check my thyroid and blood counts. I suspect this is a training issue for me and nothing more. But I AM having anxiety about how this will affect my race. I woke up last night from an anxious dream that I kept having to ditch into the woods in the dark and find a tree. Since I've never actually had to do this in real life...this is terrifying me more than the running. I hope copious amounts of imodium and a race week of a diet of rice, bananas, chicken, plain yogurt and pasta will keep those dreams from becoming a reality. Or I better test out tree squatting in advance. :(<br /><br />4) I called my massage lady to book an appointment this week and plan to go early next week as well...my calves and legs have been so tight and I can't imagine trying to run any hills like they are right now. Plus my feet intermittently go numb, despite efforts to keep my shoes loose and to wiggle my toes while I'm running. I've got to get to the store (tonight!?!) to get a foam roller, and also check out the Yoga for Inflexible People my friend Maya gave me this weekend.<br /><br />Never in a million years did I think I would be posting all these details of my physical problems for all the world (or the 10 of you who read...hey, readership is up anyway!) to see. But such is the curse or the beauty of being a runner. We share our good and bad moments....librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-75153640058943402402008-08-20T11:04:00.004-04:002008-08-20T11:10:35.810-04:00But is is fun?I sent my coach an email updating him on my run this morning. I am running a double today, so this morning was 2 miles, tonight I have to run 4. I received his reply with an interesting question. I thought I would post his question and my answer. Make of it what you will.<br /> <br />Coach: <em>I have a question........how many of your runs are actually fun? 1 out of 3, 1 out of 5, 1 out of 7, 1 out of 10........</em><br /><br />My response:<br /><br /><em>Fun? it's supposed to be fun? <br /> <br />ok seriously...not so many. When I take Penny it's more fun. When I go with someone else and it goes pretty well, it's fun. (When I go with someone else and it's doesn't go well, it's no fun at all.) When I just don't care and I see interesting things, like heron or hawks or owls or bunnies, or neighbors with puppies, it's fun. <br /> <br />I run a lot more before looking at my watch now and the time goes by much quicker than it used to. I don't count the seconds.<br /> <br />I'm almost always proud of myself when I'm done.<br /> <br />But fun in the sense that I really enjoy it while I'm doing it? rarely.<br /> <br />It's so hard, I'm too slow, I generally feel awkward and ungainly. I have constant calf tightness and cramping, I worry about how my stomach will hold up, I feel like I tire too easily and i know I give up too soon. Hills are hard and I sometimes walk them. Sometimes I can't make myself go another step running...even if I had just said to myself, just go another 5 mins or to that tree or to the intersection. <br /> <br />Trail runing can be fun. Running downhill is always fun. I get to go fast. I get to feel how I think other runners must feel...light on my feet, without struggling, without pain or tightness, longer stride and easy pace. Sometimes, I'll run uphill and stop...so I can catch my breath and really enjoy running the downhill part. Sometimes I run uphill, just so I can run downhill since I know I will enjoy it.<br /> <br />I've always thought I would enjoy it more if I were a little faster. Because I would love to be in the middle of pack in a race wearing some silly costume and just running for fun. I don't race my races anyway...but I'm too slow to have fun with them. When you're 5th from last...no one cares if you're in a funny hat...they aren't even watching.<br /> <br />Having said all of that...there is a sweet spot for me. Around 3-4 miles in...things change. My legs are warmed up and feel good. I run faster and better for about 1-2 miles around then if i can keep up the momentum. This hasn't been true on my long runs lately and I don't know why. <br /> <br />So to answer your question...I don't know. Overall, maybe 1 in 5? A better question might be...how often do I really hate my run. Because that percentage is less than how often I really enjoy them. I hate them maybe 1 in 20. Once a month, maybe, I think this is the stupidest thing I've ever tried to do and I want to sit down and cry. I think, someone like me has no business trying to do this. That I look like a complete a$$hole and I'm fooling no one. <br /> <br />That's maybe once a month. Less maybe. <br /> <br />Here's the thing about it, Glenn. I enjoy my runs when I don't care how they go. When I walk when I want to, and run the hard hills and get to the top and think, damn that was hard. When I stop to look at trees, or talk to neighbors or pet someone's dog. I'll stop to investigate the bullfrogs croaking beside the lake or pick up a nickel or a stone, or smell some flowers. If I don't care how they go and I just want to run for 30 mins, then they're pretty fun. <br /> <br />So training can be hard for me. I never feel adequate or prepared. If the most fun I have running is when I'm running and walking and stopping and chatting...how can I train for something where the only thing I'm supposed to do is run? I LOVE the social part of running...the friends I've made and the race expo and the entertainment on the course and the post race fun. I've had a LOT of fun in races, when I've run with Lori or Lora or Victoria and Chris. Those weren't all great races, in terms of time or pace or how I did overall, but they were FUN.<br /> <br />I just hope I disappoint no one at RTB...mostly myself. If I make it fun for me...will others be disappointed? I don't know. They are real runners...I am not a real runner. I am a runner maybe, but I just don't have the talent or skill or interest or dedication that others do. I can be a better runner I'm sure (I AM a better runner than I was a year ago), but a good runner? not likely. Just like I'll never be thin or tall or famous...it's just not gonna happen.<br /> <br />You've gotten me all choked up writing about this. You always make me cry.</em>librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-87954672991282124352008-08-19T12:48:00.002-04:002008-08-19T12:55:43.926-04:00Haven't posted much lately...haven't had much to say I guess.<br /><br />Been busy doing fun stuff, but nothing so interesting I wanted to share it here.<br /><br />Been running but not so well or so badly I need to mention it. I did run the most I've ever run in a week last week...but it's not so much as to be commended. Esp during the Olympics...somehow my 17.3 miles seems pretty paltry.<br /><br />Been working hard and hardly working in about equal parts.<br /><br />I am glad that my friends are finding peace within themselves and their situations, for the most part and I pray for the ones who haven't yet.<br /><br />I'm saddened by my mother's situation but happy she's still keeping up her spirits, even if it's means she's cranky and irritable and repeats herself. Go ahead, Ma, be bitchy...you deserve to be.<br /><br />To end this uninteresting post...a couple of pix of the fam this weekend from our picnic in Lars Andersen Park.<br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Picnic%20Aug%2008/?action=view¤t=074.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Picnic%20Aug%2008/074.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br />Happy dog<br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Picnic%20Aug%2008/?action=view¤t=080.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Picnic%20Aug%2008/080.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-9156154537638678082008-08-11T23:16:00.005-04:002008-08-11T23:52:56.990-04:00Back from the beach...do I have to be?As you may have noticed...I haven't posted lately. We were on vacation at Sagamore on Cape Cod. It was truly a lovely 9 days, relaxing at the beach and enjoying time with my family. Even my sister came down with her kids for a couple of days.<br /><br /><strong>This was one of the best places to sit...top of the dune looking down to the ocean</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=001.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/001.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><strong>my favorite thing...swimming</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=031.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/031.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><strong>Grampa and Maddie</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=105.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/105.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><strong>Me and Roberto on the beach</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=136.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/136.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><strong>Me and John</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=152.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/152.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><strong>My sister and me...someone used a lot of suncreen that day</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=159.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/159.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><strong>Look what I found! (and put back where I found it)</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=008.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/008.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><strong>a rainbow!</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=066.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/066.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><strong>Proof! I really did get in my runs while I was away...well, most of them anyway</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=014.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/014.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br /><strong>me, happy</strong><br /><a href="http://s144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/?action=view¤t=170-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r190/mefesta/Cape%20Cod%202008/170-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-68289546529170627682008-08-10T12:21:00.002-04:002008-08-10T12:28:32.635-04:00oopsThere's a reason my 6 mile long run felt sooooo hard:<br /><br /><a href='http://www.mapmyrun.com/run/united-states/ma/jamaica-plain/781052358046'><img src='http://www.mapmyrun.com/images/btn_view_interactive_map.gif' border='0' alt='View Interactive Map on MapMyRun.com'></a><br /><br />because it was over 7 miles.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-3490773490335983762008-07-29T23:19:00.003-04:002008-07-30T09:00:08.050-04:00a first...and then someI registered with my team today for Reach the Beach.<br /><br /><strong>Age * [40] (Race Day)</strong><br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br /><br /><br />I just read a fellow Kickster's <a href="http://www.kickrunners.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34482">Runner of the Day thread </a>and in it he talks about how his advancing years makes his quest for improvement more urgent. I am older than he is and certainly I don't have the talent or motivation he has with regards to running. I will never qualify for Boston (I don't even intend to run a marathon) and I will never see a 6 min mile.<br /><br />Can I still see improvement though? And is speed the only improvement? As I train to run longer distances and learn to push myself more, I am always amazed at what becomes easier and what becomes harder.<br /><br />It is easier to get out there and go when I know I can get through at least a couple of miles without too much anguish. It's easier because I know I will feel accomplished when I'm done. It's easier knowing I have friends who support me and people who are proud of me despite my slow times and poor performance.<br /><br />It's harder now to slow down. I am not even remotely speedy...but my legs pick up time and again and I need to be careful, because I need to cover the distance...not run fast. It is harder to stay positive and not criticize myself for my lack of speed or progress or for walking during a run. It is harder somedays to go because I am tired and weary and my legs are fatigued.<br /><br />But I go. And I run. I haven't missed a run in something like 4 weeks. My runs are short...my long run is barely a recovery run for my marathoning friends, and my weekly mileage is still less than 15 miles. (That changes next week.) I still struggle on my runs and want to give up sometimes. I am terrified RTB is going to be an exercise in frustration when it's supposed to be fun. I'm particularly worried that I will just fail...that I won't be able to run at all.<br /><br />But I know I'm making progress and I haven't felt this good about running...ever.<br /><br />My coach told me the other day, "your excitement and happiness is more than enough payment for me to do what little I really do. You're the runner, I just make suggestions...."<br /><br />Maybe he's right. After nearly 4 years, maybe I AM a runner...and that makes me happy.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20440116.post-77076973545757122782008-07-26T06:38:00.003-04:002008-07-26T08:05:20.452-04:0039 and 364 days oldI will be 40 tomorrow.<br /><br />As one of my friends pointed out to me...I won't be any different tomorrow than I am today. Nothing will change overnight. (He wasn't <em>quite</em> so gracious in his delivery, but his heart was in the right place.)<br /><br />Still, 40's a big milestone. <br /><br /><strong>40</strong>. The start of my 5th decade. (That was the ungracious way my friend explained it to me.)<br /><br /><strong>40</strong>. I will be in the Master's group now when I run. My next race will be in a different age group (this is a first for me, since I've only been running for 4 years or so).<br /><br /><strong>40</strong>. Mammograms will become a necessity not a suggestion.<br /><br /><strong>40</strong>. Old enough to have kids in college...people will wonder whose mom I am, no longer which college I attend.<br /><br /><strong>40</strong>. The age you thought of as old when you were a kid. Or 25.<br /><br />I have a lot of reasons to fear 40, more than many, I suppose. 26 years ago I'd just finished my cancer treatment. I have the scars (physical and emotional) to prove it. I was <a href="http://www.earlymenopause.com/causes.htm">unable to have children</a>, as the chemo kept me alive but damaged me too. I desperately fear cancer is again in my future and imagine that my time is more limited than most. I don't talk about getting to old age, because I fear I won't.<br /><br />And yes, I know I shouldn't think this way, and yes, I know I can't predict the future and yes, I know I'm healthy and I exercise and eat fairly well and I'm doing the things I should...but it's just hard.<br /><br />So bear with me.librarianchickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12160377843598467242noreply@blogger.com7