Moe, for better or worse

But is it fun? redux

2009-03-30T08:35:00.003-04:00

Many months ago, I posted a conversation I had with my coach. His question to me was, how often, when you run, is it fun? At the time, my answer was long and complicated but it boiled down to, not often.

I think he needs to ask me again.

Last Sunday, I ran 12 miles. 6 times around my loop in the cemetery. 12 miles, no matter how you think about it, is a long way to run. It's intimidating. It takes a long time. If I were to drive 12 miles from my house north, south or west...I'd have gone through at least 3 towns. If I were to go 12 miles east...I'd be in Boston Harbor. It's far.

Yet...I had a great run. Really great. I kept my pace slow and easy, and was well fueled and mentally prepared. I took a gel fairly early and it was perfect timing. The first 4 miles were good...the next couple even better. I felt terrific at mile 10. The weather was good for me, cool, a little cloudy, with a bit of a wind but it died down. A friend had mentioned to me a quote from Dickinson, a certain slant of light, on winter afternoons, which I had in my head as the sun fell lower in the sky. (In truth, the poem is dark and forboding but out of context, the quote worked in my favor.) My mind wandered a bit and I created haiku in my head to pass the time. I counted out the sylables on my fingers when I got stuck. The best was:

o! the golden sun
low in the eleventh mile
thank you my dear friend

the variation was:

o! the golden sun
low in the eleventh mile
brings with it flurries

as it started to snow briefly near the end of my run.

This week, I did speedwork. It's hard. I have to run back and forth in the flattest part of the cemetery, so I'm not killing myself trying to run fast uphill. I was mostly successful, only slowing to recover early in one interval. I felt pretty good and ran over 4 miles including the interval work.

On Saturday, I ran a 5K with a college friend. Coach wanted me to race it, but I'd decided I would run with Aida at least for a while. I wasn't going to run it with any time goal. I would just run it.

Aida and I started together but she needed to keep a slower pace and was content to have me run my own race...so I ran faster than her but comfortably. Remarkably, I turned on my stopwatch at the start. The course was flat and easy but congested with general pedestrians and cyclists using the same path; it was a very small race. We ran out and back along the same route. At the turn around, I glanced at my watch, after passing a couple with a double stroller who couldn't seem to get themselves out of my way...15:48.

15:48

No way. No freaking way.

That would bring me in under 32 mins. My PR was 32:42...I could break my PR, just set in December. I didn't need to...I would be ok if I didn't...but it was in my grasp.

I stayed focused. I knew what landmarks I was looking for: the tempory walkway over the water where there was construction, and then the footbridge over Storrow Drive. I didn't check my watch again, but once, and then only to determine about how much farther I needed to go. Finally, I was running on Bay State Rd...there was a man ahead of me who'd been taking walk breaks...but kept passing me when he ran. He was ahead of me. I could see the time clock: 31:35, 31:36, 31:37...I wasn't going to let him beat me and I was going to finish in under 32 mins.

I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. I ran with all my training and miles and support of my family and friends and coach behind me....

31:55.

31:55.

I'd done it.

I remembered to stop my watch...31:40. Even better.

I texted my coach. He told me I'd run <10:15s. I was thrilled. In less than a year, I'd taken 3+ mins off my 5K time and I didn't kill myself to do it. I ran a good race and did my best that day. The best I could do that day, which turned out to be my best so far.

So, Coach, ask me again: is it fun?

Yes, it is. Most of the time, now, yes, it is.

12 miles

2009-03-22T15:36:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted in a while. Sometimes I don't know what to write and sometimes I don't want to and sometimes, I don't want to share things. Lately, it's been the latter.

However, I have been running. A lot. 20+ miles weeks, longer midweek runs, longer long runs, more time, more distance, lots of races. I've PRed my 5K and my 10K in the last 3 months and even ran my second best 5K time after running 6 miles just before the race. I feel good, I've lost a few pounds, I will go so far as to say, I think I look good.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple months, and I've made some changes in the way I think and act and I'm feeling better for them. I still need a lot of work.

I'm surrounding myself with people who mean the most to me, and making sure those I've known the longest get a little extra of my time. They've been here for me for years, some of them decades, I can return the favor.

I am running 12 miles today. 12 miles. This is the longest I've ever run in training and I am nervous. But I know my friends are behind me. One wished me luck as she got on her train to go home this afternoon and another told me he was running 4 in spirit with me. My coach is waiting to hear how it goes.

I'd better get going...I don't want to disappoint them.

LIFE SAVING SUIT c 1931

2009-03-03T12:40:00.000-05:00

I came across this today at work.

LIFE SAVING SUIT Sferrazza: ""

reeeeeeeally makes you wonder what kinda drugs weren't illegal then.

Keep it cool....

2009-01-31T09:22:00.001-05:00

The Urban Obstactle Course, or Where the Sidewalk Ends

2009-01-24T12:34:00.004-05:00

Running in the city in winter is challenging.

For every person who shovels their side walk, there is another who only shovels half (generally from their door to their driveway or car) and yet another who doesn't shovel at all.

Sometimes there is a side walk...and then it disappears under snow, or ice, or some combo of the two. And when it's snow, it can be a giant bank of the white stuff that the plow left or a car owner dumped when digging out their car.

Those big snow banks need to be climbed over. Or skirted, like the ice that forms in lots of places, on the side walks and on the street.

They also block drivers' view and runners' view and need to passed with caution. Dayglo yellow is imperative.

Trash day adds a new element of this obstacle course...what side walk there is, is often blocked by trash and recycling bins, as well as whatever else has been left for the garbage men, including but hardly limited to furniture, television sets (which subsequently sit around because the city won't take them in trash), building materials and tree branches.

Running is fun and challenging and hard even on a good day...but the Urban Obstacle Course makes it all the more so.

I like a challenge, bring it on!

fasten your seat belts...

2009-01-22T16:48:00.004-05:00

it's going to be a bumpy night.

so famously said Bette Davis in All About Eve.

In 3 short weeks life's been bumpy.

My mom got the bad news that the cancer is back again. Onto another drug regime that will hopefully work for a while...time will tell.

My running has faltered. Not fallen off, but faltered. A wicked cold snap, a bit of a busy spell, snow and ice, and some general malaise has meant I've let my running go a bit. I have some goal races but I'm floating a bit in some unscheduled time and lacking in some motivation. All is not lost however...for as much as I feel I've not been running at all...the reality is I've gotten in at least 2-3 runs a weeks consistently, even if they are short. Overall...it could be much worse.

I'm not worried yet.

Work is fine but I'm saddened to hear a colleague is ill. It will affect my day to day work, but this isn't a problem for me. I'm just hoping very much she'll pull through and stays strong.

Have I mentioned how much I hate cancer? I know...one track record. Sue me.

Roberto and I had a great weekend in Baltimore visiting friends. THAT was just what we needed. I actually felt relaxed when we got home, if not the least bit rested. Too many late nights...but all in fun.

We have a new president, and I am hopeful he can make some changes...if only because the American population seems to be behind him. He's just one man, but he is inspiring many and THAT is how change can happen.

I'm feeling a need to lay low and hide a little bit right now because I'm a bit raw and fragile, and those traits are what got me feeling like this in the first place.

Not even a month in and already bumpy.

I can deal with bumpy.

I run a lot of hills...for every down, there's an up.

Starting off the new year with a bang....

2009-01-12T12:56:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's 2009. How did this happen?

I was born in the '60s. The '60s! Now it's almost the 20-tens?

This year could hold a lot of promise for me but it, quite literally, started off with a bang. Or at least a bump.

On New Year's Eve, driving home from work in the early afternoon, I got into a car accident. We were in the middle of a snow storm, and while I was driving cautiously and carefully, my tires just could not get traction when the SUV in front of me slowed to a stop unexpectedly. It was weather related and no one was hurt, but our car needs fairly extensive repairs and will be in the shop for another week at least.

Some have pointed out to me that this was the last thing of note to happen to me in 2008, rather than the first thing to happen to me in 2009, but it's left me feeling unsettled and shaken beyond the mere accident.

Is this how 2009 will be? I've had some very good and very bad moments in the last fews years, and at this point, I could really use an uneventful one for a change.

The big 4-0 is no longer approaching, but here...so I don't have to worry about it anymore. (that's like asking the sun not to burn but one can hope, yes?)

My mother's health is stable at the moment. That could change any day...but right now...stable. And she feels better than she has in a long time. That is the biggest blessing of all for her.

I'm still running, and better than I've ever run before. It's easier and more inherent for me now...and best of all, more fun. I have a good coach, but this year, I hope I can ask less of him and draw more strength internally. (That, too, might be like asking the sun not to burn...but I am trying to learn a little more self motivation, self reliance and inner strength.)

I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right things and where I can make changes. I'm probably a little old for some of this reflection and self discovery, but it's never too late to learn and grow...and given that I am very worried about how long I will be healthy and here at all, I need to do all I can now to be a better person to myself and everyone around me.

2008 was definitely a year of changes for me. I've made a lot of new friends who are dear to me and lost a friend or two along the way. Some have drifted more recently for reasons I don't understand and this is very upsetting to me but I'm trying to just move on; I don't think I've done any egregious to make this happen, so time will tell if they will come back to me. I've become close again with my sister which is wonderful. I've had to work hard on my marriage last year and will need to do more work around that this year.

So will 2009 be the year that started with a crash...or the year that started clean of past accidents, stupid mistakes and slip ups? I don't know yet...ask me in a year.

in the meantime, I'll try to keep you posted on how it's looking.

First post of 2009

2009-01-06T23:13:00.003-05:00

I just love this cat...I think it needs to start off my 2009 blog, if only because it makes me laugh every single time I watch it.

I apologize up front to those of you who are not amused.

Long and winding road...

2008-11-19T19:48:00.003-05:00

it's been a long long time since I've posted anything. Seems when I'm feeling good, I don't need to write as much. Go figure.

However, I've been remiss in posting for a while, given what I've been up to.

I've been training for the Philadelphia Half Marathon. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before. What I haven't mentioned, since it happened weeks after my last post is I failed to register before it sold out.

It was a very sad day. Quite literally, I cried at my desk. In my cubicle...but that's a story for another time.

My friends, however, rallied around me, offering suggestions, help, advice and finally a possible loop hole...and off I went at 9pm on October 14 to the central postal facility and mailed in my registration. I also contacted a couple of charities...and was accepted by Back on My Feet! the same organization that help the Midnight Madness Run this summer.

Well, as it happened, my mailed registration was processed, but I decided to continue to be a fundraiser for BOMF.

Times are tough for everyone but people have been amazingly generous. People I've never met have donated great sums of money to me. I can't thank them enough.

I've worked really hard to train for this race. Harder than I've ever trained before. I've missed very few runs, and none of my long runs. I've stuck to my plan and seen progress. I've actually gotten a little faster. I've actually lost myself on my runs. I ran 9 miles without even stopping for water and 11.5 without walking. My, how times have changed.

Last year I ran Philly for my mom...this year I'm running for me.

I told my coach today that I'll probably need a pep talk on Saturday night. I am nervous. I'm worried that my training hasn't really prepared me for the race, or I'll just screw up somehow and fail myself. I really hope not.

Someone asked me this week if I have a goal time...I don't. I know when I should come in approximately, based on how I've been running. But all I care about is running a good race and feeling good at the end.

I know I'm going to cry at the finish line.

I'll probably cry at the start too.

won't be the first time.

I give up...

2008-10-05T10:25:00.001-04:00

I can't take it anymore.

I just turned the heat on.

On training

2008-10-05T09:38:00.002-04:00

I am running the Philadelphia Half Marathon in November, right before Thanksgiving.

I have started my training for this event and due to circumstances...I've already missed a run. My concussion meant I couldn't run the beginning of the week, so I missed 4 on Tuesday. I walked that far instead and did get in a 2.5 (scheduled 2) on Thursday. I have 7 on my schedule today, which, at the moment, I couldn't feel less like doing.

Because I'm not interested in running them right now, I'm not going to run an out and back or full loop. Most people would do that because it would force them to complete the distance. I am contrary in so many ways to the norm when it comes to running and this is one of those times. Instead, I will run shorter loops in the cemetery to complete my 7. I find comfort in knowing home is just a half mile away and also, running the same loop over and over makes it mindless for me. I just have to run...I don't have to think about what's coming up next.

Have I mentioned I don't like change? I don't like change...it manifests itself in so many ways in my life and this is just another example. People tell me all the time, when running is getting to be a chore, change it up, do a different route, etc...for me, I'd rather run the same route every time, knowing exactly where the hills are, what I will see, what to expect. I also tend to listen to the same playlist for months on end...I'll even repeat songs multiple times if I like them and they are fitting my mood.

So running a loop multiple times is a good option today. Don't get me wrong, I don't intend to run anything 23 times...but I will run over to the cemetery, then run my usual 2 miles then work my way back to run my 1 mile loop and then after 4 or 5 times around, work my way home. It'll be perfect.

I take comfort in patterns and routines and this will help today since I am in no mood to run anything right now. But run I will.

I will post my new training schedule once my coach confirms a couple of changes I've made to it. I added a short run to the schedule...he had be running just 3 runs a week ("quality runs") but I felt better training for RTB than I have at any other time and I suspect running 5-6 times a week really helped keep my legs loose. Once he gets back to me, I'll post it here. That'll keep me honest. ;)

it's been a while

2008-10-04T07:39:00.000-04:00

and so much has happened. Nothing earth shattering I guess, but big things in my life.

RTB was amazing. Hard, funny, fun, scary, challenging, inspiring, embarrassing...I would do it again in a minute.

Work, well, work has changed. I've alluded to issues there. There is now resolution on that front, but not before I had to fire someone. Let me tell you, that was not a fun day. I've also been demoted, sort of. I wanted it this way, and I now report a colleague I like, trust and think is the right person for me to work with, but it's still hard to give up the responsibility I was given. I do feel like I've failed even if I requested this change. I move out of my office on Monday.

The biggest news is that my mother's cancer appears to have disappeared. Yes, this is good news. Of course it is. But I am not putting all my eggs in the hope basket yet. We found this out recently when my mother had her scans done after she got out of the hospital because of the horrific reaction to had to the chemo she was on. Her doc wanted to get her into another, a different clinical trial, and they ran her scans to get her baseline for the study. He called her a few days later to let her know they declined her for the study...because there was no evidence of cancer on her scans. We're all shocked. We don't know what to think. More waiting and watching...and in the meantime she is still on the horrific chemo that made her so sick, but in a different dosage.

Roberto did well at Open Studios last weekend, even if the weather was rainy and dreary. He always does well so I wasn't surprised.

Two weeks ago, I tripped while running and skinned my knuckles and my knee pretty badly. They're still healing.

Last week, I went to enter our cellar, through our half-sized exterior cellar door, and banged my head so badly, I caused myself a minor concussion. I ended up getting a CT scan on Monday (all clear) and took two days off work (first time I've ever called in sick at my new job.)

Fall's off to an interesting start.

Reaching the Beach!

2008-09-11T06:01:00.005-04:00

Months of training, hard work, sweat, a few tears...all for this weekend. Reach the Beach. 200 miles of scenic...hilarity? van driving and nudity? torture? All of the above, methinks. (OK, maybe not torture...just a little pain and exhaustion.) My teammates, KiChsters Uno and KiChsters Dos, by and large, are heading into this knowing they'll run for fun, and the miles will just come to their legs, because this isn't a goal race for them...this is a weekend adventure. This isn't the case for me (and a few others I'm certain); I've worked hard to get the miles on my legs to prepare me for this event. I've skipped very few runs in the last few months, added mileage every week and focused on the goal of doing RTB without injuring myself, and more importantly do it feeling confident that I can run my legs (3, 13, and 23; 3.8, 3.8, 6.2 miles respectively) without completely falling apart (a la Madison.) Unfortunately I've got some work things on my mind that I hope I can push aside and forget about this weekend. There is nothing I can do about them at this point, and when the dust settles next week, I will post the outcome.

In the meantime, I'll be keeping my thoughts on the road ahead of me.

Literally!

Look out New Hampshire, here we come!!!

(a little shout out to my coach Glenn...thanks for your support and advice!!!)

(additional shout out to Rob for being cool about the time I've put into my training and everything that goes along with it. thanks hon.)

On a lighter note

2008-09-05T13:54:00.003-04:00

I love Hershey's All Natural Extra Dark Chocolate with Cranberries, Blueberries & Almonds. Have you tried this?? This is some good stuff. Nevermind that it's reasonably good for you...it's just damn good.

I bought a bar today for work...I like to have something in my desk so I don't resort to something from the machine. 2 squares of this is way better (both in taste and calories) than a Milky Way. (Unusually, I have actually eaten just half a Milky Way before and put the rest away for another time, but that is not the norm, I assure you.)

I also have a banana with me. And if I'm very hungry, I may eat it with the peanut butter I also keep on hand.

Apparently, should there be an emergency situation, I have enough rations for a couple of days anyway.

Good to know.

Good and bad

2008-09-02T09:00:00.003-04:00

One thing I don't generally get from running is relief from stress. I know many people go out to run to let go of tension and anxiety and come back feeling better. I know my better health and exercise in general help me, but the act of running does not. I suppose it's just too hard and I have to think about it too much. (Swimming, on the other hand, is completely cathartic. It's rhythmic and soothing and quiet...it's like meditating in water...I'm sure many of my friends who argue that point, however.)

I had lots of miles on my schedule this weekend. I switched my Thursay run to Friday, so I ended up running 4 days in a row, 16 miles total, including my long run of 7 (2/7/4/3). This was a lot of miles for me. I almost never run more than 2 in a row, either, so that was a challenge as well.

My long runs haven't been great, but I'm getting through them. It's all I can say about them really. Well, no, each week, the long run is getting better at least, that's something positive. I had to run 4 on Sunday, after my LR of 7 on Saturday. Rob was away for the weekend and while I should have gone earlier just because I went when I finally felt like going, around 11:15 in the morning. While not the most ideal time to run, it is a time I like to run, so all the better. (Plus it is approximately the time I will be running my first leg at RTB.) I started out and ran the first mile or so. I stopped to stretch...and ran another mile and a half.

And then stopped.

Completely.

I just couldn't do it. I was lightheaded and exhausted and just plain done.

I was a half mile from running a 20 mile week (my first ever) and only a mile and a half from completing my week's scheduled miles.

But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. My feet wouldn't move another step. I was a broken spirit.

I sat down on the edge of a monument, in the shade and cried. No one notices you when you cry in a cemetery. A car passed me slowly but didn't stop...I assume they assumed I was mourning. I was, in a way, I guess. Mourning, or at least anticipating the loss of my mother, mourning my own lost youth, mourning for friends and loved ones I've lost, whether to death, or just circumstance.

But I was also pissed off. I wasn't going to make this goal...this really BIG goal because I couldn't run another half mile? Was I really so weak?

I stopped crying. I got up. I walked a little, up a hill, so when I started running again, I'd at least have gravity at my side. I ran that stupid half mile, and it felt ok...so I ran some more. I ran another half mile, and it felt ok, so I ran the last half mile, in the cemetery. I felt better knowing I'd done it.

Yesterday, I had to run 3. I was tired. I didn't run in the morning when it was cooler and kept putting off going. I didn't expect much from this run, since I was so worn out emotionally as well as physically. I didn't care if I walked but I wanted to get through the distance running most of it.

I ran the first two with only a break to stretch. My calves were incredibly tight. Sometimes stretching helps, although not always or even usually...but I didn't think I could run anymore with how they felt, so I tried. At 2 miles, I stopped to walk, for a long time, like 5 mins, because my calves were still as tight as guitar strings. The walk helped. I ran the last mile straight through.

I really thought this run was going to be awful. I didn't think I'd ever get through it when I headed out. I really thought I'd end up walking most of it, merely because I was so tired. And yet...it was a nice run. So, my calves hurt. So, I was tired, and it was hotter than I'd have liked. It didn't seem to matter. I ran fast in parts...even on uphills. I felt like I ran well, too and kept going after I told myself it was ok to stop.

I did have a moment though...and maybe this is what did it.

In the cemetery, there are comtemporary sculptures, part of the Scuplture Walk. One is called The Sentinel. I run by her most days, and I've always liked her. I even went to the unveiling of the bronze cast the artist, Fern Cunningham, did when it became a permanent piece at the cemetery. I talked to the artist's father then and was pleased I could tell him how much I loved it.

At any rate, I ran by her yesterday, coming from the opposite direction than I usually do. And for some reason...I stopped in my tracks. I had to touch her. I wanted to hold onto her, but instead, laid my hand on her knee and cried for a moment.

In the artist's statement, she says: "Her mission is to observe all the transpires. She is the wise old woman of Africa, the Sentinel."

I guess the wise old woman was a comfort to me yesterday and provided me some strength. I will go to her again when I need it.

I think...

2008-08-31T09:15:00.002-04:00

I'd like to be 10 again.

Would that work for everyone?

Because I'm sorta tired of being an adult and all that comes with it.

And it's not gonna get any easier from now on, is it?

just harder. Much much harder.

I'm just so tired.

My mom's in the hospital again. She's had a bad reaction to her latest chemo and they're trying to get fluids in her and get her stabilized. She'll be ok (as ok as she will ever be now, since she lives with cancer 24/7 for the rest of her life) and she'll go home on Monday. Later this week, she'll go see her oncologist and they'll change her chemo to something else and she'll do ok for a while or she won't, and then they'll try something else.

She's been sick for days, she's lost more weight, she's suffering humiliations and indignities and pain no one should have to face, all in the name of a "cure", which is just a cruel joke, since she'll never be cured. She'll just be kept alive until there's nothing else they can do and then, finally, the cancer will win.

It's going to win anyway.

Addendum to must.stop.worrying: Margaret the seagull

2008-08-28T13:30:00.005-04:00

My grandmother, Margaret, loved the ocean and the beach. My mother and I take after her in that respect. My grandmother had leg and back issues her whole life and once told me when she died, she wanted to come back as a seagull (please disregard the issue of my devoutly Catholic Gramma believing in reincarnation...she was Irish...they've got their own thing going on). Her desire to return as a seabird was threefold:

1) she could fly...she would be free of the limitations of her gimpy legs and troubled back

2) she could spend all day, every day at the beach

and

3) she could poop on people she didn't like.

ah yes. Gramma was a character.

Gramma died about 5 years ago. I was very sad to lose her but she had lived a long time, nearly 93 years, and it was her time to leave this earth.

Except I'm pretty sure she's still earthbound. Well, airbound anyway.

Whenever I am stressed or distraught or anxious...a solitary gull wanders into my view.

Yes, I know I live near the ocean and there are gulls everywhere.

But when I NEED someone...I look up, and there she is...or what I believe is her...and I feel lightened of my burden.

Just a moment ago, I looked into the sidelight of my office door, and saw the view in my window behind me reflected there.

A gull was sitting on the roof of the building across the street looking towards me.

thanks, Gram, for checking in on me.

must.stop.worrying

2008-08-28T06:18:00.006-04:00

Have I mentioned I'm a worrier? Dear readers, those of you who know me better than the words on this page know that to say I am a worrier is a grave misrepresentation. "Worrier" doesn't come close to accurately representing my personal occupation...but for lack of a better term to descibe my incessant and unenviably busy head, it will have to suffice.

I worry about everything. Things I can help and things I can't. Things I've said and things I haven't. I worry constantly about the people in my life...but I also worry about stuff. For example, I worry I'm going to lose my engagement ring when I'm driving with my arm out the window and it will be irretrievably lost. That kind of worry...eg crazy thoughts.

I'm particularly worried about the plans for my upcoming race. I don't seem to know a lot of them, about where to be and when, and what's on the agenda. This is making me very uncomfortable.

Last night I was chatting with a friend and he told me, "you've got to trust people, and not worry about things so much... I understand you're getting stressed, but panicking about the details doesn't un-stress everyone else involved."

He couldn't be more right (although he is a bit of a pot calling this kettle noire) and I'm trying to take some deep breaths and shake off some of tension in my shoulders. I recognize that worrying is a wasted use of energy...but it's also a very difficult habit to break.

I worry that I worry too much. Good grief.

Tummy trouble and other issues

2008-08-26T12:30:00.005-04:00

So, I've been stressing out a bit about my upcoming relay, Reach the Beach.

1) I'm not really ready to run as much or as often as I have to for it. Bill, my team captain, did me a favor and ended up giving me 3 easy legs of just 13.8 miles total. He says it's just how it worked out, but I was still happy for it.

2) as stated before, I'm worried about others' expectations. I know I will walk some of the course...even if I *think* I can get through the first 2 legs of 3.8 miles each...I tend to doubt I will.

3) I've been having a whole lot of tummy troubles lately. Nausea in the heat, and other issues just generally. My coach is concerned there's something more to it, but I remembered that when I trained for the Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk (60 miles in 3 days...that's serious training, trust me), the same issues came up for me. I went through a battery of unpleasant and marginally humiliatiing tests then and they found nothing. I've called my GP and will go in to see her this week, but I just want her to check my thyroid and blood counts. I suspect this is a training issue for me and nothing more. But I AM having anxiety about how this will affect my race. I woke up last night from an anxious dream that I kept having to ditch into the woods in the dark and find a tree. Since I've never actually had to do this in real life...this is terrifying me more than the running. I hope copious amounts of imodium and a race week of a diet of rice, bananas, chicken, plain yogurt and pasta will keep those dreams from becoming a reality. Or I better test out tree squatting in advance. :(

4) I called my massage lady to book an appointment this week and plan to go early next week as well...my calves and legs have been so tight and I can't imagine trying to run any hills like they are right now. Plus my feet intermittently go numb, despite efforts to keep my shoes loose and to wiggle my toes while I'm running. I've got to get to the store (tonight!?!) to get a foam roller, and also check out the Yoga for Inflexible People my friend Maya gave me this weekend.

Never in a million years did I think I would be posting all these details of my physical problems for all the world (or the 10 of you who read...hey, readership is up anyway!) to see. But such is the curse or the beauty of being a runner. We share our good and bad moments....

But is is fun?

2008-08-20T11:04:00.004-04:00

I sent my coach an email updating him on my run this morning. I am running a double today, so this morning was 2 miles, tonight I have to run 4. I received his reply with an interesting question. I thought I would post his question and my answer. Make of it what you will.

Coach: I have a question........how many of your runs are actually fun? 1 out of 3, 1 out of 5, 1 out of 7, 1 out of 10........

My response:

Fun? it's supposed to be fun?

ok seriously...not so many. When I take Penny it's more fun. When I go with someone else and it goes pretty well, it's fun. (When I go with someone else and it's doesn't go well, it's no fun at all.) When I just don't care and I see interesting things, like heron or hawks or owls or bunnies, or neighbors with puppies, it's fun.

I run a lot more before looking at my watch now and the time goes by much quicker than it used to. I don't count the seconds.

I'm almost always proud of myself when I'm done.

But fun in the sense that I really enjoy it while I'm doing it? rarely.

It's so hard, I'm too slow, I generally feel awkward and ungainly. I have constant calf tightness and cramping, I worry about how my stomach will hold up, I feel like I tire too easily and i know I give up too soon. Hills are hard and I sometimes walk them. Sometimes I can't make myself go another step running...even if I had just said to myself, just go another 5 mins or to that tree or to the intersection.

Trail runing can be fun. Running downhill is always fun. I get to go fast. I get to feel how I think other runners must feel...light on my feet, without struggling, without pain or tightness, longer stride and easy pace. Sometimes, I'll run uphill and stop...so I can catch my breath and really enjoy running the downhill part. Sometimes I run uphill, just so I can run downhill since I know I will enjoy it.

I've always thought I would enjoy it more if I were a little faster. Because I would love to be in the middle of pack in a race wearing some silly costume and just running for fun. I don't race my races anyway...but I'm too slow to have fun with them. When you're 5th from last...no one cares if you're in a funny hat...they aren't even watching.

Having said all of that...there is a sweet spot for me. Around 3-4 miles in...things change. My legs are warmed up and feel good. I run faster and better for about 1-2 miles around then if i can keep up the momentum. This hasn't been true on my long runs lately and I don't know why.

So to answer your question...I don't know. Overall, maybe 1 in 5? A better question might be...how often do I really hate my run. Because that percentage is less than how often I really enjoy them. I hate them maybe 1 in 20. Once a month, maybe, I think this is the stupidest thing I've ever tried to do and I want to sit down and cry. I think, someone like me has no business trying to do this. That I look like a complete a$$hole and I'm fooling no one.

That's maybe once a month. Less maybe.

Here's the thing about it, Glenn. I enjoy my runs when I don't care how they go. When I walk when I want to, and run the hard hills and get to the top and think, damn that was hard. When I stop to look at trees, or talk to neighbors or pet someone's dog. I'll stop to investigate the bullfrogs croaking beside the lake or pick up a nickel or a stone, or smell some flowers. If I don't care how they go and I just want to run for 30 mins, then they're pretty fun.

So training can be hard for me. I never feel adequate or prepared. If the most fun I have running is when I'm running and walking and stopping and chatting...how can I train for something where the only thing I'm supposed to do is run? I LOVE the social part of running...the friends I've made and the race expo and the entertainment on the course and the post race fun. I've had a LOT of fun in races, when I've run with Lori or Lora or Victoria and Chris. Those weren't all great races, in terms of time or pace or how I did overall, but they were FUN.

I just hope I disappoint no one at RTB...mostly myself. If I make it fun for me...will others be disappointed? I don't know. They are real runners...I am not a real runner. I am a runner maybe, but I just don't have the talent or skill or interest or dedication that others do. I can be a better runner I'm sure (I AM a better runner than I was a year ago), but a good runner? not likely. Just like I'll never be thin or tall or famous...it's just not gonna happen.

You've gotten me all choked up writing about this. You always make me cry.

Haven't posted much lately...

2008-08-19T12:48:00.002-04:00

haven't had much to say I guess.

Been busy doing fun stuff, but nothing so interesting I wanted to share it here.

Been running but not so well or so badly I need to mention it. I did run the most I've ever run in a week last week...but it's not so much as to be commended. Esp during the Olympics...somehow my 17.3 miles seems pretty paltry.

Been working hard and hardly working in about equal parts.

I am glad that my friends are finding peace within themselves and their situations, for the most part and I pray for the ones who haven't yet.

I'm saddened by my mother's situation but happy she's still keeping up her spirits, even if it's means she's cranky and irritable and repeats herself. Go ahead, Ma, be bitchy...you deserve to be.

To end this uninteresting post...a couple of pix of the fam this weekend from our picnic in Lars Andersen Park.

Happy dog

Back from the beach...do I have to be?

2008-08-11T23:16:00.005-04:00

As you may have noticed...I haven't posted lately. We were on vacation at Sagamore on Cape Cod. It was truly a lovely 9 days, relaxing at the beach and enjoying time with my family. Even my sister came down with her kids for a couple of days.

This was one of the best places to sit...top of the dune looking down to the ocean

my favorite thing...swimming

Grampa and Maddie

Me and Roberto on the beach

Me and John

My sister and me...someone used a lot of suncreen that day

Look what I found! (and put back where I found it)

a rainbow!

Proof! I really did get in my runs while I was away...well, most of them anyway

me, happy

oops

2008-08-10T12:21:00.002-04:00

There's a reason my 6 mile long run felt sooooo hard:

because it was over 7 miles.

a first...and then some

2008-07-29T23:19:00.003-04:00

I registered with my team today for Reach the Beach.

Age * [40] (Race Day)

*sigh*

I just read a fellow Kickster's Runner of the Day thread and in it he talks about how his advancing years makes his quest for improvement more urgent. I am older than he is and certainly I don't have the talent or motivation he has with regards to running. I will never qualify for Boston (I don't even intend to run a marathon) and I will never see a 6 min mile.

Can I still see improvement though? And is speed the only improvement? As I train to run longer distances and learn to push myself more, I am always amazed at what becomes easier and what becomes harder.

It is easier to get out there and go when I know I can get through at least a couple of miles without too much anguish. It's easier because I know I will feel accomplished when I'm done. It's easier knowing I have friends who support me and people who are proud of me despite my slow times and poor performance.

It's harder now to slow down. I am not even remotely speedy...but my legs pick up time and again and I need to be careful, because I need to cover the distance...not run fast. It is harder to stay positive and not criticize myself for my lack of speed or progress or for walking during a run. It is harder somedays to go because I am tired and weary and my legs are fatigued.

But I go. And I run. I haven't missed a run in something like 4 weeks. My runs are short...my long run is barely a recovery run for my marathoning friends, and my weekly mileage is still less than 15 miles. (That changes next week.) I still struggle on my runs and want to give up sometimes. I am terrified RTB is going to be an exercise in frustration when it's supposed to be fun. I'm particularly worried that I will just fail...that I won't be able to run at all.

But I know I'm making progress and I haven't felt this good about running...ever.

My coach told me the other day, "your excitement and happiness is more than enough payment for me to do what little I really do. You're the runner, I just make suggestions...."

Maybe he's right. After nearly 4 years, maybe I AM a runner...and that makes me happy.

39 and 364 days old

2008-07-26T06:38:00.003-04:00

I will be 40 tomorrow.

As one of my friends pointed out to me...I won't be any different tomorrow than I am today. Nothing will change overnight. (He wasn't quite so gracious in his delivery, but his heart was in the right place.)

Still, 40's a big milestone.

40. The start of my 5th decade. (That was the ungracious way my friend explained it to me.)

40. I will be in the Master's group now when I run. My next race will be in a different age group (this is a first for me, since I've only been running for 4 years or so).

40. Mammograms will become a necessity not a suggestion.

40. Old enough to have kids in college...people will wonder whose mom I am, no longer which college I attend.

40. The age you thought of as old when you were a kid. Or 25.

I have a lot of reasons to fear 40, more than many, I suppose. 26 years ago I'd just finished my cancer treatment. I have the scars (physical and emotional) to prove it. I was unable to have children, as the chemo kept me alive but damaged me too. I desperately fear cancer is again in my future and imagine that my time is more limited than most. I don't talk about getting to old age, because I fear I won't.

And yes, I know I shouldn't think this way, and yes, I know I can't predict the future and yes, I know I'm healthy and I exercise and eat fairly well and I'm doing the things I should...but it's just hard.

So bear with me.

Midnight and other madness

2008-07-23T04:28:00.003-04:00

DH and I just got back from a great weekend in So Jersey/Philly. We went down by train last Friday night, all the way to Philly where my dear friend Lori's DH retrieved us. We planned this weekend visiting around a race called the Midnight Madness, part of a 24 hour relay/endurance event. Our race would consist of one, 8.4 mile loop along the Schuylkill River, starting at midnight. Illumination was a must and most illuminated would get a prize. (Lori, with a crazy pair of LED specs, won! A Nike sport watch!) The race was the impetus to get us there...but visiting with Lori, and meeting her new little one, plus meeting up with a bunch of my dear friends from my running community was the real reason to go.

The race itself was...interesting. 80+ F and 80+ humidity at midnight made for hot, belabored, uncomfortable running (so hot, I eventually stripped off my reflector vest and ran in just a sports bra and shorts...if it hadn't been dark that never would have happened, let me assure you). I was as close as I've ever been to throwing up during the entire run. So close, I had to stop moving all together to ride out the nausea. We ran slowly and walked parts, but finished running and smiling.

Overall it was a great race...but more importantly I got to spend time with some of my favorite people enjoying what we do, sharing stories and aches and pains and laughs doing something a little mad and very very fun. It might have been weird and wacky and even sorta dumb ("you're gonna run Fairmont Park at midnight? do you have police protection??") but it's the kind of adventure every adult needs to remind them that life is about doing what you love and spending time with those you love.

Even if you have to feeling pukey while doing it.

a wink and a smile

2008-07-16T17:02:00.002-04:00

Random thought in my head today.

A wink is like every happy thought, every hug and smile and kind word and gentle touch; like laughter, and fresh peaches and ice cream and cupcakes and fluffy white clouds all wrapped up in a single tiny gesture.

even if it's someone you don't know well, a wink sets your heart aflutter...and when it's someone you love, even more so.

Next time you're across a room from someone you like or love or want to...wink at them. Set their heart aflutter.

well, it was a nice view while it lasted...

2008-07-14T21:15:00.002-04:00

I've posted once or twice about my job and that I'm struggling with the responsibilities of it. I made a major decision today and talked to my boss. Once things become official, I will post the outcome, but suffice to say, I am relieved.

And so it begins...

2008-07-12T23:52:00.004-04:00

serious training, that is.

I am running in a very big relay in September. Reach the Beach...200 miles from Cannon Mt, to Hampton Beach, NH. I will be running 12-13 miles over the course of 30 hours or so; I am tasked with 3 legs of approximately 4 miles each.

My coach sent me my training schedule today. He told me it's conservative. I actually agree. I wonder if I'll think that in 4 weeks time? We shall see. At any rate, here it is...

There was some discussion about getting me up to 25 miles a week...but at the moment, I max out at 18.5. I need see if I can work this schedule into a half marathon training for October...taht might boost my mileage up. But I'll let my coach determine that. He's been a GREAT help to me and seems to understand how and why I run. I don't know if I could do it without him. Thanks Glenn.

NoiseTrade Widget--free music...legally

2008-07-09T07:00:00.003-04:00

My buddy Bleu just put an new release up on this site, with a project called The Major Labels. You can pay as much as you want for the download...there's some other stuff on here as well...and more to come. Check it out.

a little relief...

2008-07-08T17:00:00.002-04:00

I don't talk about work much here. For some good reasons, not the least of which is too many people forget that their blogs are public (unless password protected--anyone ever encountered one? no? my point exactly) and no good can come from saying too much about work in a public forum.

However, I will freely admit that I am struggling some at work. I was promoted very shortly after I started working here and I will acknowledge that I need some guidance and training around being a manager in a very corporate setting. I've managed information departments in the past...but that experience hasn't quite prepared me for the expectations of my current position.

I attended two training sessions today, open to all managers and supervisors; most attended at least one. Both were quite good. I also met with our executive trainer today. She was most wholeheartedly helpful...and has offered her assistance and guidance to me in individual face to face meetings once a week.

That was a huge relief to me. I don't have to go this alone and I have someone to help me figure out how to do what needs to be done.

I'm not willing to give up this position yet (although it is a possibility...it can be my choice to do so), but I need all the help I can get!

I sighed a sigh of relief when I left the trainer's office today knowing I wasn't going to have to struggle so much, at least on my own.

About running

2008-07-06T16:32:00.005-04:00

Some of you have noticed...and commented on the address of my blog. "Short Fat Runner". Ok, so that was the title of this blog when I first started it...I've changed it but since a number of people have it linked, I've left the addy. As a few have pointed out, I'm not that short or fat, and it's this kind of defeatist attitude which makes me rarely call myself a runner.

Things have changed a lot for me lately with regards to running. I'm still very slow, and no matter who tells me it doesn't matter, it's about getting out there and doing it, the fact is I am truly and interminably slow. No middle of the pack for this girl. Does it matter? When, maybe, maybe not. Would I like to be faster? Yes, desperately, if only so my friends don't have to wait around for long periods of time post race for me.

However, running has gotten easier lately. I've had many more good runs than bad lately...and the bad ones have been so spectactularly awful, they can only be chalked up to many elements fighting against, certainly more than just my head failing me. I've been consistent lately, getting in my runs when I'm supposed to and getting in longer and longer distances. I've pushed myself to run faster on shorter runs, and seen results. I've actually started to think of myself as, and think like, a runner.

This holiday weekend, I challenged myself with 2 races. One a longer race for me, 4.25 miles on July 4th and the other, today, a 5K. I had different goals for each. I wanted to get through the 4.25 miles without falling apart. That was about it. I thought if I could finish in less than 12 min miles, I was doing great. If I could do it without walking...that would be a triumph.

I managed all three. I struggled a bit around 3.5 miles, but at the moment I thought for sure I would walk, a song that reminds me of a supportive friend came on my IPod and I knew he was thinking about me and I could keep running.

I was very proud of myself, even if my husband and my friends' families had to wait in the rain for a long long time for me to finish.

Today I ran a 5K. My dear friend and coach told me to "run fast". I knew what he meant and I knew I should have been capable of running a PR today judging by my best time (slooooow, 36:55) and how I've been running. I ran with my fellow Slowmen who promised to stick with me step for step.

Sadly...today was not a good day. It was hot. It was humid. I was still tired even after a good night's sleep and my legs were still weary from Friday's race. We started running...Victoria set our pace and in other circumstances, it would have been quite reasonable. But within the first mile, I was nauseous. And my legs just weren't having it. We probably got through the first mile--about 11 mins (there were no mile marks on the race course itself, just some ones we found later on the actual path)...and I started walking. Chris is an enthusiastic and encouraging running buddy, and he started picking out points to run to. "We're running to the third light pole!" "To the green sign! Not the tree! the sign!" He made up songs about running to keep me going. I ran fast when I ran...so fast that even with walking we somehow managed to run the one marked mile in just under 10 mins. The last mile was difficult but we made it...and when we saw the finish, I glanced at my watch. I knew I had a PR in the bag...even my extra goal of a sub 35 min 5K. I looked at the official clock...and sprinted in.

34:37.

2:18 less than my previous best.

Running is getting better. I am getting better at it.

It's about damn time.

Anyone need a sandwich?

2008-07-03T12:28:00.003-04:00

I love sandwiches. I just do. I'd rather eat a sandwich for breakfast than pancakes or waffles or eggs...esp eggs. I put lots of things on sandwiches, things that maybe seem weird but end up delicious. A recent dinner sandwich was grilled linguica with sauteed broccolini on lovely boule from Fornax. What more could you want? ok, maybe a beer or a nice glass of red, but still, that was a great sandwich!

Summer's here, which means fresh tomato with salt and pepper and mayo. Heaven on a slice of white.

A good sandwich is a balance of bread, meat, cheese, veg and condiments. Too much of anything and it throws the whole thing off.

The biggest mistake made in commercial sandwiches is the bread. Too dense too heavy too thick...just too MUCH. Good bread is essential, but it's still just a vehicle the the fillings.

I like a lot of veggies and a medium amount of meat, if any. I like only a little cheese and often take off some if it's overwhelming the other parts. You can never have too much avocado or lettuce, esp if you're using mixed greens, but they need to stay on the bread...if they're falling out...well, then maybe you can have too much of both. Tomatoes, peppers, cukes, sprouts, asparagus, green beans, all welcome in my sandwich makings list....

Sandwiches are comfort food of the highest order in so many incarnations for me. After spending a summer in Spain in high school, I craved a grilled cheese sandwich made with American cheese...as much as I loved Spain, that sandwich was home...and I was homesick.

Some sandwiches aren't on bread necessarily, but other starchy foods, like tortillas. I made refried black bean quesadillas for supper one night recently that were divine. Simple, straightforward, easy...but oh so good.

I have a favorite lunch time treat...a visit to the Falafel King. He recently moved shops and I had to go find him in his new location...I probably spent as much on gas as I did on the giant falafel sandwich I bought ($3.99, loaded with delicious falafel, tahini sauce, lettuce, tomato and some sort of middle eastern pickles that I love and need to find, on beautiful fresh pita bread); the King knows me now, and always hands me a falafel over the counter dipped in hummus for me to nibble on while he makes my sandwich.

Among us runners (yes, people, I'm calling myself a runner now...get over it), we often joke that someone who is too thin, should eat a sandwich. Honestly, I think the world would be a better place if we all just sat down and ate sandwiches together. It's something we all have in common and we could try to learn from each other, if only by tasting what each of us likes or thinks is good. There's no religion, or politics, or anger, or hate in a sandwich...it's just a bunch of ingredients, layered together in a way that's tasty, filling, satisfying and makes you happy. Sorta makes you think that it would be a good analogy for a nice place to be, huh?

Today's lunch was turkey on multigrain ("oaty-wheaty bread") with avocado, baby greens and mayo. It was pretty darn perfect. :)

um yeah...

2008-07-01T12:51:00.002-04:00

I'd like everyone to give me a break.

That would be really great if you could do that.

Because I really can't deal with any more stuff right now and I don't want to lose my job or my friends or my health over it.

Much appreciated. Thanks.

Weathering the storm

2008-06-27T14:32:00.002-04:00

Just a few moments ago, I glanced out my office window. A distant rumble perked up my ears and I saw an ominous sky outside. Just as the first raindrops fell, I realized I'd left my sunroof open...I grabbed my keys, bolted down the 4 flights of stairs and rushed to my car, to shut it before the rain really fell. As I ran back to the building, it started coming down and by the time I returned to my office, sheets of water were falling from the sky.

20 minutes later...it's over. The sky is brightening and the wind and rain and thunder has dissipated.

Sometimes life is like that storm. Things build up and turn dark and start to rage and thunder, and you feel the rain and wind coming down on you and you go rushing for shelter. That shelter might be sleep or drink or a friend's kindness or running or merely crying till you can't anymore and your heart aches and your eyes burn.

The thing is...like the storm outside my window...it does pass. It might leave things wet and grey and shaken and windblown, but it does pass.

The sky is light grey and white now and I suppose the sun with come out again eventually today.

Same holds true for life.

You just have to weather the storm.

zzzzzzz.....

2008-06-25T14:44:00.003-04:00

wow.

it's really tough to work on 4 hours disturbed sleep; I'm literally falling asleep while I'm typing.

anyone know if you can sleeprun? Because I need to get in a couple miles tonight but I don't honestly know how I'll manage then in the state I'm in right now.

If I crash into a tree you'll know why.

at least the weather has improved.

*yawn*

hrumph

2008-06-24T15:06:00.002-04:00

pretty much that covers my day today.

hrumph.

I'm grouchy and grumbly and irritable and not willing to make things better that I can and wishing I could change things that I can't. And blaming others for things that aren't their fault.

Plus, even though I've been told otherwise, I'm pretty sure I've upset a friend inadvertently. I've said I was sorry and I mean it, but my heart aches over what I said and moreover, that I still feel the way I do. I can be a hateful, selfish person. I don't like that about myself and try to keep it inside, but sometimes it comes out. My friend has forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself.

My boss just asked me to do something and I have no idea what she wants. hrumph. I was honest and emailed her back asking for a clarification...I hope that was a good move.

Did I mention I accidently clipped poor Miss Penny's ear when I was cutting the knots out of her fur the other day? By "clipped" I mean a HUGE gash and deep at the top of her ear where it meets her head. I am a bad bad dog owner...I couldn't feel more terrible.

Oh and the sky is black outside my window. I hate rain.

hrumph.

Caption this photo contest!

2008-06-23T14:07:00.002-04:00

OK peeps, I sent some friends this photo and it was suggested it was ripe for a captioning contest!

Winner receives...well, I dunno. I'll have to think about.

Have fun (be kind!)

Congrats, Mr P

2008-06-22T16:02:00.003-04:00

My friend Kev ran his first marathon yesterday. He trained long and hard and well. He was diligent in his training and dedication. He got in his long runs and his short runs and everything in between. He was an inspiration to many of us on our running forum in his persistence and quiet determination.

His day didn't go quite as planned and he didn't finish in the time he hoped. But he ran his first marathon and that is a huge accomplishment.

Congratulations, Kevin. You did a great job and I'm so proud of you.

Back from Seattle

2008-06-21T07:55:00.006-04:00

On my flight from Seattle the man next to me, an older man in shorts, t-shirt and ball cap, largely left me alone. I slept most of the way anyway, unsurprisingly given the hours I was keeping, but when our seatmate at the window got up to use the restroom, the older man, in the middle caught my ear. Besides some typical chit chat, my Canadian companion told me two jokes:

1) A man forgot his anniversary. His wife was upset and said if there isn't something shiny that can go from 0 to 220 in less than 10 seconds with a bow on it in the driveway in the morning, that's it, it's over. next morning, the woman goes outside and sees a box with a shiny red bow...she excitedly opens it and finds a bathroom scale.

2) Man and woman are working in their garden. The man looks over at his wife, who is weeding and says, honey, you've gained some weight, your backside is as wide as the BBQ now. The woman huffs and continues to weed, furiously. Man looks over at her and gets aroused. He says, honey, why don't we go inside? She says, if you think I'm gonna fire up the BBQ for one small weiner, you are wrong.

Apparently he thought these were appropriate to tell a strange woman on a plane.

I did laugh.

Live from Seattle...

2008-06-14T08:49:00.003-04:00

ok, I should be in bed...it's after 1, I think, I've been up since 6:20 this morning, I ran a couple miles today with my incredibly funny friend Alex, who has had me laughing for 2 days straight, I walked around in 4" heels for 4 hours, never sitting down once, then we headed out for cocktails, then a party, then a Mariners' game (thank you, Ebsco Publishing, we had a lovely time!), then division open houses for drinks and food (mmm, smoked salmon)....but I wanted to at least post a hello and to say, I've been having fun here in Seattle.

I got to spend an evening with some friends from Kickrunners, K and T, who I just got to see in Madison and D, who I'd not met before, but who was AWESOME. Very funny and fun evening.

Also got to see K & T another night at T's mom's graduation party. That was also fun even if I curled up on the couch and fell fast asleep...what? I was sleepy!

The conference itself has been pretty good, although I'm trying to meet with vendors to see what products we might be missing as well as attend sessions and network. It's all a bit exhausting, esp since I'm also trying to get some work done on the side...as if I've had a lot of time.

Overall, a good time though.

OK, off to bed for me...it's too late to be up, even with the time change!

First day of summer...at least for me

2008-06-11T16:03:00.003-04:00

Today, I grabbed a sandwich from the cafe at work and ate at my desk. I got the same thing I get most days, chicken salad, extra lettuce and tomato, on a wrap, which I then dissect so that I only eat about half the wrap and all of the filling. Nothing unusual about it, at least for me.

I looked out the window of my office and saw the sky and the water. It's been unseasonably and unbearably hot here for the last few days and a haze has hung in the sky over the bay.

But today...today the sky was bright and clear and the bay was lapis and sparkly and dotted with boats. A breeze was rustling the trees and the lines on the boats in the marina. Gulls were flying overhead taking in the sun and the sights.

I'd been working on my "strategic perspective" for my group all day. Truth be told, I've been working on it for a week, without much success, but I needed to have something done to show my boss today. Back to my window, eyes on my monitor, I didn't notice how lovely a day it was. But when I did...

I drove over to the beach after I finished my sandwich. I'd just thrown a pair of flipflops in the car this morning (divine intervention) and I had a half hour I could kill. I parked, changed my shoes, and walked down the board walk and onto the sand. Since I had neither a chair nor a towel, I opted to sit myself down on the sea wall. The sun was hot and bright, but the breeze was lovely. There were sunbathers out already and a few people down in the shallow lowtide water looking for shells or stones or untold treasures. A few runners and walkers passed behind me, alone or in small groups, but not so many as to be a distraction.

I called a friend who shares my love of the sea and we chatted about nothing important. I spent about 20 mins there, talking and getting some sun.

When I said, I should go, need to get back to work, he told me, you are having great day. I told him, you are right.

Today was my first day of summer.

God is a single blade of grass

2008-06-09T10:17:00.006-04:00

We went to visit my parents this weekend, partly because we haven't seen them in a few weeks and partly because it's sweltering here and they have a pool.

We were sitting under the pergola, chatting and enjoying the shade and the breeze from the ceiling fan. Ma had abandoned her wig, and even her hat. Her head is covered in a soft fine fuzz of white hair, and while it will always be disconcerting for me to see her bald, she actually looks quite good that way.

She was talking about teaching, that she is going to half time next year, and about her students. She said they don't always understand that they will never be perfect, that nature is, even when it seems chaotic.

She said she tells them, if you ever want proof God exists, you only have to try to draw a hexagon. She can't draw a perfect hexagon, but bees build them everyday in their hives. Every one perfect, over and over and over again. Further proof...the single blade of grass that will push its way up through the black top on a paved road...a road that is strong enough to support trucks and cars and people, but can't resist a little green plant. So fragile a thing that a child can rip it from its roots, but so strong, it can make it way to the sunlight regardless of the obstacles.

There are prayers and miracles in everyday things. You just have to look for them.

Actual conversation...just for the halibut....

2008-06-06T13:33:00.001-04:00

Friend: So the flounder I made last night was disappointing.

Me: Flounder is almost always disappointing. He was probably disappointed in himself when he realized he'd never be a salmon or a tuna. Or even a haddock...just a lowly, bottom skimming flat fish with a misshapen head.

Friend: But halibut is so much better, and they’re flat fish with both eyes on the same side too!

Me: At least Halibut is the biggest flat fish. It's got that going for it.

Is there any question that my friends are as weird as me?

Wellness Evaluation Day...or what not to complete 10 days after Madison

2008-06-04T12:23:00.000-04:00

We got an email this morning from corporate that the wellness evaluation survey was up and running. Since you can get a discount on your insurance by doing it, and there's a chance to win a year's free health insurance coverage, I thought, hell, it's 10 mins. I can spend the company's time to fill it out.

Um...

'cept when they ask the question, have you had a little too much to drink at any time in the last 4 weeks...I clicked yes.

Then they ask...what is the most drink yo've had on any one day...umm, let's see...highest amount is 5+, um...well there was Friday night in Madison...um then Sunday night in Madison....click again.

have you had a drink in the morning just to take the edge off or to deal with a hangover? OH! good! I didn't take some people's advice about hair of the dog! Click NO.

With regards to your drinking habits, do you think that 1) they are under control; 2) you don't drink or stopped drinking completely; 3) you need to evaluate them and make changes; 4) you have evaluated them and will make changes soon; 5) you have made changes and are working to keep those as part of your routine.
ummmm....which one means, if I just drank more often, one beer wouldn't make me loopy? Ok, check 1) under control.

Drinking is under control...but when they asked about my dairy consumption, well, damn you cheese curds!!!!

happiness is...

2008-05-29T13:20:00.000-04:00

I was in the bath this morning with my feet up against the end of the tub, near the taps and looked at my pink toenails, recently scrubbed and buffed and painted, and thought...I love my painted toenails! Look how cute! They make me happy!!!

I'd told someone yesterday I was "squishy"...when asked what I meant, I replied, "happy fluttery, butterfly tummy and zingy heart."

as opposed to "soggy".

:)

My trip to Madison kicked off a summer of fun and plans and travel. I am feeling better than I have in weeks about my personal life and better about myself than I have in years, if ever. I have dear friends in all corners of the country, and I am so lucky as to have seen many of them last weekend and will see many more in the coming months.

Those painted toes are going to get a lot of action.

They will take me one day excursions with friends and might get dipped in the cold Atlantic this weekend, if I'm lucky. They will be strolling the streets of Seattle with friends and colleagues in just 2 weeks, then picking up the pace and running in a 4th of July road race with another dear friend. Then off to the city of brotherly love, this time testing the water in a pool for the day, and taking me out on a midnight run through Philly that night. They will peek out of a fabulous pair of sandals for my 40th birthday and then will plunged into that same Atlantic Ocean, not quite so frigid this time but no less inviting. And lastly...as the summer ends, they will take me out to run, more than once, in the course of a few days to get me from the mountains, back to my beloved Atlantic.

It always come back to the ocean. That squishy feeling I mentioned??? Just drop me by the sea and it will come to me.

I wonder what color I should paint my toes next? What color does each adventure feel like?

struggling...

2008-05-28T12:25:00.000-04:00

I struggled a lot this weekend in Madison. The larger group and I had great times and drank too much good beer and ate lots of good (if weird) food (fried cheese curds, anyone?)but some knew I was dealing with some personal problems which caught up to me in a rush at dinner on Saturday night.

By caught up, I mean an anxiety attack while sitting at the table with a few close friends and a lot of acquaintances.

My closest friends have known for a while what's been going on in my life, but I hadn't told them what I was dealing with that day. And honestly...it wasn't so much that it should have been too much for me to bear, but too little sleep, too much beer, too much socializing and being friendly wore me down.

Half way through dinner, I turned to my friend K and said, I can't eat....he asked me if I needed to take a walk. Initially I said no, but when he asked again, I agreed. We stood in the doorway of the restaurant together and I told him what I was upset about it. He consoled me and gave me a hug. He let me sniffle a bit and told me it was ok. He was a much dearer friend that he knows.

A few other friends wandered out to me...they too consoled me, and then let me be so as not to draw too much attention. It's hard to struggle in a crowd...

I crashed and burned in my race on Sunday. Worst race I've ever run. If I actually ran half of the 5.5 miles of marathon relay I was assigned, I'd be surprised. My friend K was there with me again. He said nothing, and just followed my lead. He'd already run a strong 7.1 and he was just there for support. I'm disappointed I didn't do better and embarrassed he knows how miserably I performed. I also know he doesn't care. He loves me anyway.

I'm not the only one who struggled this weekend. Lots of my running crew didn't perform they way they expected or anticipated. The course, the wind, the crowds...who knows what caused many of us to have problems...but many of us did.

Another friend struggled this weekend, continues to struggle with something unrelated to running. His heart will be heavy for a while, but I've tried to help him anyway I can...and will continue to do that. Pay it forward....

R told me in a year, I won't remember the race or my time...I'll only remember the good times with friends. I think he's right up to a point. I think I'll remember the bad times, because it brought many of us closer together. I don't have to worry that people won't help me if I need help...I know they will be there for me. They proved themselves in spades this weekend.

K, M, K, T, R, M, L, K, S, G...I love you and thank you all. A girl couldn't ask for better friends.

The very good, the sorta bad and somewhat ugly...

2008-05-27T08:55:00.000-04:00

I'm back from Madison. If you've noticed my complete absence from blogging...your assumption that I was off making mischief with my friends instead of posting on the interweb would be a correct one. We spent hours together...sometimes in big rowdy groups making lots of noise and somewhat of a mess on occasion (the bad), sometimes getting ourselves into a bit of trouble (the ugly), but mostly, just laughing and talking and even a few tears were shed, but always together and always with love and support and friendship behind it (the very very good).

Honestly, my favorite part of the weekend was each morning, much too early considering the hours we were keeping, one of my now-in-real-life-but-until-this-weekend-internet friend would knock on my door with her coffee pot and pastry to start the day. We'd then go wake up our other friend and we'd pile onto the hotel beds in our pjs and talk and wake up together. It was the easiest time of every day. There was no pretense of looking good, or needing to make small talk or feeling awkward. Although many miles separate us, we are close and true friends, and for this weekend, we had the opportunity to be ourselves. Braless and barefoot, with wacky hair and hang overs and smelling of sleep and hotel sheets, we'd make ourselves comfortable, in that way true friends can and do without trying at all.

This morning, back at home in Boston, I was checking my email and my chat window opened.

The message was: "should I come over for coffee?"

I smiled to myself and brushed away a tear.

AND LIFTOFF!!!!!

2008-05-24T09:34:00.000-04:00

Live from Madison!!!

I love my friends...we couldn't have had a better time last night. Belly laughs, beers, a few tears, because that's how we roll.

Speaking of rolling...we rolled in at 1am, Madison time. Oy. Someone is hurting a little today.

T -1!!!! and a bit of kosmic connectivity

2008-05-22T09:34:00.000-04:00

I leave tomw for Madison!!! Has a girl ever been happier to go to Wisconsin??? I think not. :)

I've gotten all of my laundry done and folded. I've found all my sports bras and 5 pairs of running socks. All of my undies are clean, and the shirts I want to pack are folded and laid out.

I've got to get bubblewrap, but I've got 16 beers to try to pack...

I still have to get to the market and I still have to get a pedicure, but those I can do later today.

Roberto and I are going to a counselor this afternoon to work on some issues we're having. He is struggling with the idea of this...but I know with someone to guide us, we can work out the problems we're having. I love him too much and won't go down without a fight! I hope it's not too exhausting though....

Now about that kosmic connectivity. A few things, best first. I've been looking everywhere for my lady bug socks. The ones the laundry gnome took. I wore those socks to run Philly to honor my mother who is dealing with chemo again for a cancer that isn't going to go away. I've talked about this before.

Well, Ma called me last night. She had her appt at oncology. They couldn't do her treatment this week since her blood counts were a little low, she'll have to go back next week. But she said, the CT scan shows...nothing. The cancer has been shrinking for a while, but now...there's nothing. It doesn't mean it's gone...but it does mean something. And that's very good news. Plus the neuropathy she's had in her feet is subsiding. She said they don't hurt anymore, but feel like she's walking on sandpaper, which, while sounding incredibly irritating, is a vast improvement over what she was experiencing before.

I was putting away my socks this morning, and guess what I found?

My lady bug socks. Right in the middle. On top.

Kosmic connectivity (and evidently, a kind-hearted Laundry Gnome).

No less good, but in a different realm, a friend and I have decided we've known each other in another time. Seems we're constantly telling each other something that the other knows already. I've often thought this isn't the first time I've lived a life, and so I'm often visited by ghosts from a past I can't quite recall. I remember places and experiences I've never had in this lifetime, but with a vividness that I can't believe I could have merely dreamed up.

I'd like to think there are people you crash into again and again, people you need in your life (lives?) to get through and that you eventually meet up again when you need each other.

I guess I was in need recently.

Kosmic connectivity.

Oh and have I mentioned I'm very excited to go to Madison this weekend????

T -2!

2008-05-21T14:55:00.001-04:00

yes I'm excited!!!

Tonight I have to get done with 4 more loads of laundry and start to organize my things.

The other thing on my agenda is trying to figure out how to pack a 1/2 case of beer and a couple of growlers in my suitcase.

I need to get to the market and a couple other places in the meantime too.

so much time!!! so little to do!!!!

(strike that, reverse it)

:D

T -3...

2008-05-20T12:26:00.000-04:00

and counting!

I am so incredibly excited about this weekend. Now I just need to do 27 loads of laundry and figure out how to pack a half a case of beer in my luggage.

Heater, if you read this...what am I buying????

I've determined we have a laundry gnome who's taken a liking to my running gear, because I'm convinced I've not seen half of my running clothes in the last 2 months yet I know we've done all the laundry at some point in that time frame.

Laundry Gnome, if you read this, I'd really like my ladybug socks back...I'll trade you!

I ran last night. It wasn't a good run...the first mile was pretty nice, slow, easy...then my feet went numb and my calves tightened up and my shins hurt. I still slogged through the last two. Good enough.

Feet, if you read this, think you could give me a break and stay focused on Sunday? Because that numbness really doesn't work so well when it comes to forward motion.

thanks.

T -4!

2008-05-19T06:56:00.001-04:00

I'd written up a post yesterday...more lamenting. More thanks to my friends who are supporting me. But, well, know what? You get the idea. I have good friends. I'm very very lucky...more than I sometimes believe. So with that in mind...I hit < delete >.

Instead, I'm going to start the countdown to Madison! T -4 and counting!!!!

I am very excited for my trip to Madison. I am going to meet some of my closest imaginary friends and will reconnect with some transitional (imaginary to real life ;) ) friends. I spent a number of hours looking for just the right things to bring with me and I'm planning my wardrobe so I can pack beer and gifts and toiletries (curse you TSA!) in my suitcase. I've spent lots of time chatting with my friends making plans and organizing phone lists and making sure we know where we'll be when. But for this pesky running I have to do on Sunday morning, it should be a fabulous trip!!!!

Now about running. This has been a hard week for training, since I've put myself through the wringer lately and dehydration, exhaustion and mental fatigue do NOT add up to good running. I had a couple of short, good runs, largely fueled by adrenaline, but going longer proved a problem. So much so, I skipped my long run yesterday. So now I've got 5 on my agenda for this evening. I will get it done, although I'm not looking forward to it. But I will get it done.

I have LOADS of laundry to do. I have to shop for a few things. I really want to get a pedicure, but I'm not sure when I'll have time. I have to get to the post office and the bank this week...so many things. All for a 3 day weekend in Wisconsin. Seems funny. But not!

My dinner with Patty

2008-05-17T11:32:00.000-04:00

I had dinner with my friend Patty last night. I've only known Patty for about a year, but we just *clicked* like you do sometimes with people you meet. I'm someone who falls very hard for people, whether they are crushes or friends. If I feel like we've made a connection, well, you're sorta stuck with me. I've very loyal. Like a puppy. Or a Marine.

Anyway...I went to dinner last night with Patty. We'd made plans earlier in the week, but I'd jokingly told her yesterday, bring tissues. It's gonna be a rough one.

Dinner was lovely, I had an excellent dish of seared scallops, with ratatouille, and arugula salad and Patty had an eggplant lasagna. We shared the house made ice cream sandwiches...and ate nearly every bite. I've not been eating much this week, but finally had an appetite last night. It was very good.

Through dinner, we chatted about life, mostly mine. I started to cry. She pulled out a thick wad of tissues, seemingly an entire box-worth, and handed them over the table to me.

I really love Patty. That was a very kind thoughtful thing to do. In an earlier post, I said I worry my friends don't really like me or they aren't as close to me as me to them. I guess I should stop worrying.

I hope I can be as good a friend to Patty someday, because she was a very good friend to me last night.

comments???

2008-05-15T16:29:00.000-04:00

this is merely a test...I can't get my comments button to show up right now...:(

Running...no really

2008-05-14T09:47:00.000-04:00

I suppose I should mention running this week. My schedule, as per my imaginary friend and coach, is 3ish/3ish/3ish/5-6. With an hour+ of tap.

I'm already behind schedule.

I had a rough, emotional, tear-filled talk with my imaginary friend/coach last night, on topics unrelated to running which left me sobbing and wasted. I still had to run, even though I'd not gotten out the door and it was nearing 8pm. I figured I was too slow and too late to get in 3, so I'd run as much as I could, and just make up what I didn't get done today.

I started out on my short 'hood loop, which is a mere 1.3 miles, although I can add to it by looping back around or just running it again. Since it was so late and getting dark, it was my best option. I took Miss P with me, who'd been dancing around me for 2 hours in anticipation of our run. I'd gotten into my running clothes at 6 and she knows what that means. The phone call and subsequent heart wrenching, gut wrenching crying were unanticipated and threw off my schedule.

I forgot my watch. I glanced at the clock on my way out, but I wasn't sure what time it really was when I started running. I figured I'd just run.

And run I did. I ran. I ran like I've never run before, my feet were beating beneath me, my legs were churning and I was flying. I ran that way for nearly 2 miles, having looped around and retraced my steps. I could have run more, but it had fallen dark and I needed to get home.

Another friend told me to get outside and run, to ease my mind and my soul; to help me put in perspective what's on my mind. I told him, I generally have one thought when I run: "how much longer do I need to go?"

Last night, the one thought I had in my mind was: "how much longer can I go?"

I stopped running when I did because it was dark and it was late, but I knew, I could have gone on.

Vanity...speak thy name

2008-05-12T13:50:00.000-04:00

I am a Leo. I was born at the end of July and I know I have many many traits common to leos. One of them is vanity.

Now, don't get me wrong...I don't think I am the most beautiful thing to every roam the planet or God's gift to anyone...but....

the pic I've got posted here of me and the hubby is a fabulous pic of me. And a HORRIBLE pic of him. Just awful. (DH, please note: this is why you should NOT monkey around in front of the camera for every photo...)

But I look great in it. Deceivingly thin, pretty, real smile, hair's good, outfit reads well. Even my glasses are sitting on my nose such that you can see my eyes and not just the frames. All good.

I'm getting older and old age is bearing down on me more quickly than even my own contemporaries; my body is certainly older than my head and mostly older than my numeric age. I may look good for nearly 40, but the fact is I'm not getting younger.

I'm also getting more and more vain as I get older. How can I help it? I spent half my life thinking I was fat and ugly and now...well, now I'm pretty sure that's not true! Now I'm clinging to my youth in the hopes that I will still be pretty and deceivingly thin in pix for many years.

Blueberries...a love story

2008-05-09T13:32:00.000-04:00

I don't know if my friend will read this. But should he...this is for you, R.

We were chatting the other night and he told me every woman needs to be adored completely and unconditionally by someone; a life time crush.

I said, you mean, the person who would see me in this awful fleece blueberry Violet Beauregard [we'd been on a Willie Wonka kick that night] hoodie and think it's cute just because I'm wearing it?

He said, yes, exactly.

So the birth of the Blueberry crush...or simply the Blueberry.

I think we all have our Blueberries and I suspect we are each someone's Blueberry.

He pointed out that the adoration should come from someone outside our family, so it's not the love a child feels for a parent, or a sibling. And you aren't meant to know you are the Blueberry...because that devotion is quiet and simple and profound.

It's rather a sweet theory, isn't it?

and I'm suddenly craving muffins.

my goodness...

2008-05-08T12:21:00.001-04:00

you people are actually reading this thing.

I better become a better writer and write more interesting stuff.

At the moment the best I've got is "this salad is bitter."

Not exactly the stuff of classic literature.

Work has been hectic and stressful and slightly unnerving. I'm supposed to KNOW a lot. OK, I DO know a lot...but I don't know how everything works here and that's unnerving. But so far so good. And I'm only making 9 mistakes a week now, instead of 27.

Running has been interesting. My imaginary friend Glenn is coaching me to prep for the Madison relay. Everyone has a lot more faith in my abilities than I do, but like work, so far so good. I've been getting in my runs fairly successfully or at least completely. But yesterday's run wasn't good. It wasn't even just ok. It was just bad. My head wasn't in it. My heart wasn't in it. I was fighting myself to keep from crying and fighting myself to start crying just to let it out. Instead my heart hung low in my belly and thoughts weighed heavily on my shoulders. I couldn't get into a rhythm. My legs were heavy and tired.

I am always my own worst enemy. Well me and that skinny assed fast girl with the blonde pony tail and pink shorts who went zipping by me and completely and utterly sucked out of me whatever minute speck of enthusiasm I had left.

I would never be her. I wasn't her when I was her age, and now I'm 20 years older, 60lbs heavier and twice her pace. She was like discouragement in a lithe young package.

At least the beach was pretty. I ran to the beach.

that's Wollaston Beach. It's a Boston Harbor Beach. It's not the prettiest beach around...but I'm still exceedingly lucky that I can run outside in May and in 15 mins (8 for you speedy folks) be standing with my feet in the sand and the smell of salt water and marsh grass in my nostrils.

As much as I make it out to be otherwise, life ain't all bad.

Sunshiney day

2008-05-06T12:47:00.000-04:00

the weather has brightened up. So has my mood. Gawd, I hate rain.

I didn't run last night because I minded my favorite 6yo. She's a hoot. We played Twister.

I am too old for Twister. Oy.

(must remember to bring Twister to Madison...;) )

Tonight I'm running with Patty and Penny. Two P at the Pond. Heh. Patty won't go as far as I need to, so I've got to get in a mile before I see her...but no biggie. Plus Penny will be tuckered out even more when we get home. And a tired pup is a good pup.

My head's been in a spin lately, which always spells trouble. Two of my best imaginary friends have helped me make some headway with my thoughts this week, and I love them for it. They are good friends to me. YOu know who are you, thanks guys.

I had my annual lady exam today. I certainly hope I have nothing to worry about. I always think the worst and hope for the best. My BP was 130/80...because I have "white coat syndrome"; I could feel my heart knocking around in my chest while I was there. Not that that's so high, but higher than it would be now, I assume.

The nurse gave me the johnny to change...it was like a super little swing jacket with 3/4 sleeves and a turned up collar! Only in light blue paper with velcro closures. Weird. It also only came to my belly button, but that's what the extra drape is for, right? Besides, there is no modesty at the lady doctor.

Except of course for the fact that I feel compelled to type "lady doctor" and not use the "g" word.

[insert rolly eyed smiley here]

Roberto went to a meeting last night about JP Open Studios. I'm happy he's become involved in the artists' community here. He desperately needed something to occupy his time besides me. I'm great and all, but seriously, not that great.

Rain rain, go away....

2008-05-04T20:36:00.000-04:00

So, I have been in a funk. I hate cold rainy weather, which is all we've had for a week now. No, it was sunny on Thursday for a bit. That was nice. I went for a horrible run then, but at least it was sunny.

The weather has made everything that irritates me 270% more irritating. Including the other person in this house which makes for interesting evenings. I bite my tongue, but seriously dude, for the love of all that is holy and if you want to keep your testicles, turn.down.the.motherf'ing.subwoofer.or.I.will.turn.it.down.for.you.

yes it has been that kinda week.

I'm also frustrated with my quest to lose some weight. It ain't happening...and I was really trying hard. Operative word here...was. I'll still watch it, but really, after 3 weeks of reasonable portions, healthy choices, salads, no dessert...nothing. Not one damn ounce.

A very good friend got some very bad news this week and it has really thrown me. He and I will now have more in common than I'd ever wanted. He lives too far away for me to see him in person right now, but I've been praying for him. I hope he knows that.

I went for a run today with Penny. We did more than 5 miles, which is the longest I've run since December; probably close to year before that. At least without significant walking. The weather was still crappy, and I was cold when I got home, but it wasn't awful and it's on the books. I had to skip my run yesterday because my knee was bothering me. I thought it more important to get in this long run than 3 yesterday. I wish running were easier.

Every once in a while...it feels really really good though. Really good.

I know it's not much, but I was sad that no one noticed on our running forum what I'd posted. Finally my friend mentioned it in his post and that made me happy.

I am really looking forward to running Madison, but I don't know how I will do without a companion. Even bringing the pup with me helps me immensely. Mr E, if you are reading (which is HIGHLY unlikely, seeing as I believe one person knows I have a blog), I sincerely hope you will run with me.

I am very sleepy and sorta hungry, even though we ate supper and I had some ice cream. Hmmm.....

friends and enemies

2008-04-29T21:33:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking alot about friendships lately. Too much. I worry too much. I worry too much about my friends, and I worry too much that they don't think I do. I worry that I'm a burden to them. I worry that they think they are a burden to me. I worry that my friends will tire of me and move on to someone else who is more interesting, more attractive, funnier, brighter, smarter, more charming, more kind than me. I worry that people trust me too much and I won't be able to do for them what they need to me do. I worry that I can't support them as much as I ask them to support me. I worry I bore them or annoy them or that they aren't really my friends at all.

My friends tell me I worry too much.

I don't really have enemies. At least I don't think I do. There are people I don't like. There are people I don't trust. There are even a few that I might even say, in some ways, I hate. But enemies? No, I don't suppose so.

But I worry I could make them.

I ranted to a friend about something yesterday...something I know she understands, but something that is bitter and unhealthy and angry. Later I apologized. It's not fair of me to throw my anger at her, even if it's just having her listen. I told her it was wrong for me to do that, and I need to rein it in. She said it was fine but it's not.

One of my resolutions this year...maybe my ONLY resolution this year, is to open myself, my heart to love and to express that love. It has been very challenging for me...but fulfilling. And good. Very very good.

So I have friends and I may have enemies, but I need love in my life and that's my goal this year.

Oh and to lose 10 lbs.

:)

well, it's been a long long time

2008-04-28T22:03:00.001-04:00

I haven't written in my blog on months...ahem, over a year.

I think I need to start blogging to stop bothering my friends with my ramblings.

This way they can read them if they want to or ignore them. I will be a better friend to them this way.

So...the last year. Too much to recount, so I won't. It was a very difficult year in many respects but a good one in some.

I will sum up just for continuity:

My mother's cancer returned again and has not and will not go away. She is brave and strong and doing what she can. Cancer sucks.

Our dear friend Maureen died in November 2006. Cancer really sucks.

My beloved Rosie dog and Nikki cat both died in late winter of 2007. Just 2 weeks apart. Yes, cancer again, at least for Ro.

We adopted a lovely new kitty named Trixie who has been a joy to have.

I was told I am in premature menopause. I am not even 40. It is likely due to the chemo I had as a child. Cancer sucks again.

My very good friend Lori married a wonderful man named Mark. I am blessed to have made such a good friend, through CoolRunning...and now Kick Runners.

I have become involved at the Footlight Club, America's Oldest Community Theatre. It has been soooo much work, but extremely rewarding.

I was first a seamstress, then a costume assistant, then a costume designer...and then I appeared on the stage in my first ever production. Singin' in the Rain. It was magical...even if it was exhausting.

I ran another half marathon...well, I walked half. But I was determined to do it and I did. My dear friend Frankie and Joe ran with me and cheered me through it.

I finally got a new job. I am very happy although I am very busy. I am the Manager of New Content Research...and I kick ass at it. :)

I have made some great new friends this year, who mean the world to me. I have kept some old friends who mean more and more to me all the time.

I have learned that loving people is about the easiest thing to do and the hardest thing to tell them...but I'm trying.

So, my life is pretty good. I am going to leave this post for now...I hope I will return again in less than a year's time. Cross your fingers.

Otters holding hands

2007-08-31T18:40:00.001-04:00

What kind of ice cream are you?

2006-11-12T21:10:00.000-05:00

This is shockingly acurate.

I Am Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.

You often find yourself on the outside looking in.

Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.

You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

November 9, 2006--so much for writing every day

2006-11-09T22:50:00.000-05:00

This isn't even close to every season! So, I took a few months off...well, make that most of a year. I mean, stuff happens. So good, some bad. The worst was my mom was diagnosed with BC again. The best was she made it through treatment and is doing well...and treatment wasn't as bad as last time. Yay, modern medicine! My sister is soon to have baby #2...that's a good and bad thing, that I won't go into in this public forum. I'm about the same...still trying to run, still trying to be good about my schedule and training.

Actually a lot has happened lo these many months, so a quick recap might be at hand:

Jan: DH changes jobs
Feb: Mom's cancer comes back
Mar: My best friend has a beautiful son
April: Mom comes down with sepsis, is hospitalized for over a week, fully recovers
Also April: Oh my hip! I develop bursitis in my left hip just 6 weeks before my first half marathon; cease training, go to PT, get cortisone shot, cross fingers
May: Run Indy Mini. I DID IT! Slow, yes, and falling apart at the end, but I was running and I made it across that finish line with the help of a friend's friend and a great group of fellow runners.
Also May: bring home our newest family addition, Penelope Chews...our litle golden puppy
June: SLA conference Baltimore; hang out with my librarian peeps. Also register for the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk
July: WALK. A Lot. Go on training walks with Dave or Marge or Dody. Go on vacation to the Cape; beautiful location, crappo vacation, thanks to he-who shall-not-be-named.
July too: celebrate my 38th birthday and my 12th anniversary.
Aug: Walk 60 miles in 3 Days. Nearly fall asleep in my dinner at night. Get closer to my friends, and win tent decorating contest! Woohoo!
Also August: Celebrate Mom's 60th!
September: start runnign again...oooh, tough. Really really tough. Also trying to get in some serious swimming since my friends and I are relaying the Danskin Tri in NJ
More Sept: Great trip to NJ! And we WON in our division! Not because of me...I'd been sick and my swim sucked (and that we barely made it there in time did not help), but my friends are speedy!
Also: Penny gets the old snip snip...now we have a ball of energy that can't run around...yay, us! Benadryl is our friend.
Oct: register to run the Philly Marathon relay....so unprepared, but I stick to my sched and try to get through my runs...
More Oct: Run my first 5K of the year, I think...slow and steady, walked a hill, not too bad.
Nov: well, here we are.

I'll have to come back to talk abou the last few weeks...it's time to hit the hay!

January 11, 2006--a little scare

2006-01-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

No run for me tonight, as I planned. I did take a walk this evening (as in I had to walk home from the bus) and took the pooch for her long winter evening walk (meaning it's only about a mile--she's old and arthritic). I thought I could spend a nice evening at home with hubby, especially since he offered to order Chinese food and I wouldn't have to cook.

But during dinner, my sister called. First my home phone, then my mobile. Uh oh. Now the thing is, my grandmother is in the hospital. She has congestive heart "problems" (no one says "failure" which is what it is, because they're afraid to upset me, when I know she could live with CHF for years and they're able to treat it.) Anyway, heart in throat, I grabbed the phone. Sis tells me, now, don't get worried, but Dad was having chest pains and shortness of breath and they're on the way to the hospital. In an ambulance. Ma's with him. She says it's the scallops and fried potatoes...but they wanted to be safe.

So, NOT my grandmother but my dad.

A bit of background: my dad suffered a pretty serious MI in 2003; had to be medivac'd to Boston in the middle of the night for an emergency angioplasty. He had to be resuscitated twice in the helicopter. But he's had a great and very successful recovery....

Anyway, during the next 3 hours, I tried to stay focused on TV and a book; finally sis called again. Dad's heart is a-ok. Turns out, it looks like it's acid reflux/indigestion.

Guess it was the scallops and fried potatoes after all.

Ironically, they're keeping him overnight for observation. He's on the same CU ward as my grandmother. They'll both be released tomorrow.

Yeah, so this puts my crap day at work into perspective. Although I have to admit, does it make me think, oh, thank goodness, I have a nice job with good people and I'm lucky to be healthy, OR should I be thinking, I hate my job and life is too short, I need to find something that makes me happy. Discuss amongst yourselves, dear readers. You know who you are.

LC

January 9, 2006--how time flies.

2006-01-10T17:24:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I guess I was wrong. I won't be posting everyday, as evidenced by the last few. I also didn't run all weekend, so had less incentive to post. I got my sorry butt out last night and ran 3.25. Slower than I'd hoped and I wore my forerunner, so I'm clearer on my pace (nuts), but all in all it was ok. Tough run, I was tired and sore from the get go (methinks that IKEA bookcase building on Saturday left some residual aches and pains.) But done it was.

Tonight I'm off again for a short 2 miles. Not much, but I'm gonna try to push the pace a little. Now tomorrow is the question: swim in the morning? take the day off and go for a good walk? try to get to the Y at night and maybe (gulp) try out that scary elliptical machine that I've been avoiding for the last year? Might see how I sleep and what the day brings before I make any decisions. My training needs to be jumpstarted, but I'm also being careful not to burn out before I've even begun. Seems like a good approach.

OK, I'm in my gear (stinky though it is; I need to test out the "soak in Borax" treatment tonight) and I'm off. Wish me luck, readers. (Oh the massing hoards who are my faithful readers.....)

Ciao for now,

LC

January 5, 2006--am I really going to post everyday???

2006-01-05T22:07:00.000-05:00

Well, it appears, for the moment, yes, I am. I'll get bored with this, don't you worry. Bound to happen sooner or later.

After some discussion with my "virtual" training buddy, I decided I'd try some speedwork tonight. Speedwork, for you non-runners (and I'm sure there are millions of you reading this!), can be any number of techniques, but basically, you run fast for certain distances or amounts of time. Because I'm slow and not a very talented runner, I opt for the very simple, "run fast between X telephone poles, then run slow for Y number of telephone poles." In my case, X = 1, and Y = 2-3, unless I'm feeling spunky, then I might just alternate, run fast, run slow, every other pole; when I get tired, I just resort to a slow run for a couple blocks. Anyhoo, it worked. I ran just over 2 miles (all I intended to run) in 22:11...10:46 pace. May not seem like much, but to me, this is astonishing!

So here in lies the problem. I can run faster. I'm getting faster all the time. But I slow down during races. I psyche myself out, because I'm convinced if I start off too fast I'll burn out before the end. Which isn't based on fiction...my early races were definitely like that. I guess I need to test out my new theory in a 5K to see if I can actually find a "race pace" that isn't slower than my training pace. Interesting.

I also need to get off the stick and start looking for a new job. Although I've got some interesting responsibilities at my current position, it's just not what I thought I'd be doing 12 years ago when I got my Master's. But what exactly, do I want to do with the rest of my life????

January 4, 2006

2006-01-04T18:19:00.000-05:00

Just got in from a run. 34:40 or so...must be about 3 miles. Gosh, it would be nice to say, "34:40, must be about 4 miles..." Oh well. Someday I'll break the 10 min mile. (I actually did do this recently, New Year's Day in fact, but it was a full mile downhill in a race...ah, gravity.)

Tonight I wore a new item: a Brooks tech vest with "Scotchbrite reflective technology"; all I know is that I looked down at one point and I was literally glowing in the dark. I "won" this vest for completing all 4 races in a series over the summer. (If you ran all 4, you got a fleece or a tech vest. I think I chose wisely).

Tonight's run was not easy at all. I'm not really sure that my decision to try to run a half marathon in May was the wisest. I might be setting myself up for failure. But I'm staying the course, at least for the moment.

Now if I can just find a new job...anyone looking for a librarian?

January 3, 2006--this year is already turning into a disappointment

2006-01-03T17:31:00.000-05:00

So it's Tuesday, Day three of the new year, and well, I'm just not interested. In my job. In running in the cold and wet weather squalling around outside my front door. In doing much of anything. Bah.

I mentioned to a friend that I started a blog, but that I wasn't sure that I wanted people to know about it. He laughed and said, then it's a diary. He may be on to something.

I don't really know where I'm going with this blog, but at the moment, I guess it is just a diary. Rather a modern day spin on Pepys or something. Without the filandering. Or something.

I'll be interested to see if anyone ever finds this and reads it and if they'll even choose to respond. I guess time will tell.

January 2, 2006--a new year

2006-01-02T13:13:00.000-05:00

My first post on my first blog. I'm hoping that by keeping a public record of my running and training, it'll keep me on track and on target. My goals are pretty simple: run the Indy Mini (half marathon) in May. Keep running. Do another sprint tri this summer (probably another Danskin). Keep running. Believe in myself and my abilities. Keep running.

There's a theme here, yes, I know.

I am slow as molasses, overweight, asthmatic and eveytime I walk out the door to run, I think I'm going to fail. Generally I don't. But I still feel that way.

So here I am, bearing my soul to those of you who've found me and choose to read this. Frankly, if 2 people even see this I'll be surprised, but hey, it's worth a shot. Stranger things have happened.

Oh, and I ran a 4 mile race yesterday. 46:08. Like I said, slow. Really really slow. But I ran the whole thing, and it was a tough course, 3 miles of uphill and one terrific last mile, all down hill. Started off my year on a good foot! Feet?