friends and enemies

I've been thinking alot about friendships lately. Too much. I worry too much. I worry too much about my friends, and I worry too much that they don't think I do. I worry that I'm a burden to them. I worry that they think they are a burden to me. I worry that my friends will tire of me and move on to someone else who is more interesting, more attractive, funnier, brighter, smarter, more charming, more kind than me. I worry that people trust me too much and I won't be able to do for them what they need to me do. I worry that I can't support them as much as I ask them to support me. I worry I bore them or annoy them or that they aren't really my friends at all.

My friends tell me I worry too much.

I don't really have enemies. At least I don't think I do. There are people I don't like. There are people I don't trust. There are even a few that I might even say, in some ways, I hate. But enemies? No, I don't suppose so.

But I worry I could make them.

I ranted to a friend about something yesterday...something I know she understands, but something that is bitter and unhealthy and angry. Later I apologized. It's not fair of me to throw my anger at her, even if it's just having her listen. I told her it was wrong for me to do that, and I need to rein it in. She said it was fine but it's not.

One of my resolutions this year...maybe my ONLY resolution this year, is to open myself, my heart to love and to express that love. It has been very challenging for me...but fulfilling. And good. Very very good.

So I have friends and I may have enemies, but I need love in my life and that's my goal this year.

Oh and to lose 10 lbs.

:)

well, it's been a long long time

I haven't written in my blog on months...ahem, over a year.

I think I need to start blogging to stop bothering my friends with my ramblings.

This way they can read them if they want to or ignore them. I will be a better friend to them this way.

So...the last year. Too much to recount, so I won't. It was a very difficult year in many respects but a good one in some.

I will sum up just for continuity:

My mother's cancer returned again and has not and will not go away. She is brave and strong and doing what she can. Cancer sucks.

Our dear friend Maureen died in November 2006. Cancer really sucks.

My beloved Rosie dog and Nikki cat both died in late winter of 2007. Just 2 weeks apart. Yes, cancer again, at least for Ro.

We adopted a lovely new kitty named Trixie who has been a joy to have.

I was told I am in premature menopause. I am not even 40. It is likely due to the chemo I had as a child. Cancer sucks again.

My very good friend Lori married a wonderful man named Mark. I am blessed to have made such a good friend, through CoolRunning...and now Kick Runners.

I have become involved at the Footlight Club, America's Oldest Community Theatre. It has been soooo much work, but extremely rewarding.

I was first a seamstress, then a costume assistant, then a costume designer...and then I appeared on the stage in my first ever production. Singin' in the Rain. It was magical...even if it was exhausting.

I ran another half marathon...well, I walked half. But I was determined to do it and I did. My dear friend Frankie and Joe ran with me and cheered me through it.

I finally got a new job. I am very happy although I am very busy. I am the Manager of New Content Research...and I kick ass at it. :)

I have made some great new friends this year, who mean the world to me. I have kept some old friends who mean more and more to me all the time.

I have learned that loving people is about the easiest thing to do and the hardest thing to tell them...but I'm trying.

So, my life is pretty good. I am going to leave this post for now...I hope I will return again in less than a year's time. Cross your fingers.